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BroncoManiac_69
02-07-2007, 11:36 AM
Tell your jokes here but remember to keep them within the COC.




Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

BroncoManiac_69
02-07-2007, 11:40 AM
Texas Deputy vs New York Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

BroncoManiac_69
02-08-2007, 08:31 AM
A MAN AND HIS FOOTBALL TICKETS

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the SuperBowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No... they're all at the funeral."

:laugh:

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-08-2007, 09:41 AM
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't even know you liked beer

SmithOverTO
02-08-2007, 10:08 AM
I posted this earlier, actually.



Hope you guys like it:

Pope Takes The Wheel
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
The Pope's plane lands at Newark Airport after a very long delay. Not wanting to wait for the Pope mobile to be unloaded, he jumps into the nearest limo and tells the driver he is very late for a mass he is giving at Giants Stadium. The driver takes off but inevitably hits traffic. The Pope is growing increasingly frustrated, but the driver refuses to break any traffic laws.

Finally, the Pope orders the driver into the back and takes over driving himself. He proceeds to bob and weave through traffic, drives on the median, the curb and anywhere else he has to to get through the traffic.

As luck would have it, the Pope gets pulled over by a NJ State Trooper. The officer, after asking for license and registration, realizes who is behind the wheel and immediately goes back to his car and radios dispatch.

"Dispatch", the trooper says, "I've got a real problem. I just pulled over someone very important and don't know what to do."

"Who did you pull over, the Governor?" the dispatcher radios back.

"Way more important than that", replies the trooper.

"Did you pull over President Bush?" asks the dispatcher.

"No, way more important"

The dispatcher asks "Who is more important than the President?"

"I don't know", replies the Trooper,"But he has the Pope for a limo driver!"

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-08-2007, 10:54 AM
A Doctor in Minnestoa wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant "Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we
don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one
had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third
one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading
her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

BroncoManiac_69
02-08-2007, 11:04 AM
Monica's Plastic Surgery

The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.

She emerged two days later with no ears.

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-08-2007, 11:22 AM
Subject: MEXI-GRANDMAS



LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER. IN A TRIAL IN A SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS, A PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.


HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU KNOW ME?" SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS." I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE. AND YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU AREN'T NADA. YES, I KNOW YOU PENDEJO." THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?


AGAIN SHE REPLIED, "CLARO QUE SI. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, A PUTO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE IS THE WORST LAWYER IN THE STATE! AND NOT TO MENTION HE'S CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM TAMBIEN."
THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED.

THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID,"IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR."

Day1BroncoFan
02-08-2007, 11:44 AM
Subject: MEXI-GRANDMAS



LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER. IN A TRIAL IN A SMALL TOWN IN TEXAS, A PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND.


HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU KNOW ME?" SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS." I'VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE. AND YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU AREN'T NADA. YES, I KNOW YOU PENDEJO." THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY?


AGAIN SHE REPLIED, "CLARO QUE SI. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, A PUTO, AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE IS THE WORST LAWYER IN THE STATE! AND NOT TO MENTION HE'S CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS. ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM TAMBIEN."
THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED.

THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID,"IF EITHER OF YOU IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I"LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR."


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Day1BroncoFan
02-08-2007, 11:53 AM
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

:D

T140
02-08-2007, 01:20 PM
:D

Biker In Hell
There was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two," and he bore down on it hard.

As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.

When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly, "So, how do you like it here?"

The bad-ass biker replied, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, "So, how do you like it now?"

The biker responded by saying, "This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Raiders f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"
_____________________________________

War Zone
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XX (and however many more eh) and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

BroncoManiac_69
02-09-2007, 10:18 AM
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

BroncoManiac_69
02-09-2007, 11:43 AM
:laugh:


1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING: This is the, ‘calm before the storm.’ This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, and is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.

6.) THAT’S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. THAT’S OK, means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

9.) DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

Thundergirl
02-09-2007, 01:16 PM
:laugh:


1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING: This is the, ‘calm before the storm.’ This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, and is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.

6.) THAT’S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. THAT’S OK, means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F YOU!

9.) DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

So true!

19 ways to maintain your insanity!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

BroncoManiac_69
02-09-2007, 02:55 PM
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest liquor store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should share this warning with 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected, and WORK is controlling your life.

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-09-2007, 03:45 PM
Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm
in a
bad mood, it leaves a big f***ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

horsesense
02-09-2007, 04:57 PM
:laugh: :laugh: MILIKI!!!
Heres a cute one I heard today..
Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? :laugh:

horsesense
02-12-2007, 09:07 AM
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).
"Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.
He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."
"That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.
"Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper." :smug:

horsesense
02-12-2007, 09:11 AM
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"
Little Johnny said," Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." :D

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-13-2007, 11:51 AM
A group of girlfriends go on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and are single, rich and straight."

The women seem pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

Broncofan-13
02-13-2007, 12:30 PM
A few quickies.


Canadian Jokes




Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? A: "Sorry."

Q: Why do Canadians have a maple leaf on their flag? A: It shows them what to use for toilet paper.

Q: What's the worst part about being Canadian? A: Telling your parents you're gay. ( :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: )



TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA:

The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire.
Your province is shaped like male genitalia.
Everyone is a fiddle player.
If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass.
The local hero is an insane, fiddle-playing, sexual pervert.
The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal.
You are the reason Anne Murray makes money.
You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt.
The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music.
Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

Fred the Bunny
02-13-2007, 12:32 PM
What's the difference between a fish..................................


















And a mountain goat?


































The fish like to muck around the fountain.

Broncofan-13
02-13-2007, 12:35 PM
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?


Their last big hit was The wall.



....I love that joke.

Fred the Bunny
02-13-2007, 12:45 PM
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?


Their last big hit was The wall.



....I love that joke.


Awe no..........


**Shakes head**







;)

BroncoManiac_69
02-14-2007, 04:37 PM
I am literally in tears from this one. :laugh:



Odors & Such

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

pipes
02-14-2007, 06:51 PM
There is a cop that is on duty and decides to go to "Make-out Point" to see if there is any "wrong-doing" going on.

There is a car there that catches his attention because the dome-light is on.

The cop walks over to the car only to see the young man in the front seat, reading a magazine and a young woman in the back seat who appears to be knitting.

He knocks on the window and tells the young man to roll the window down.

The cop asks, "what are you doing?"

The young man answers, "just what it looks like, I am reading my computer magazine and she is knitting a scarf."

"How old are you?" the officer asked.

"I am twenty-two years old sir, " answered the young man.

"And how old is she?" the cop asked.

The young man looks at his watch and answered, "she'll be eighteen in another eleven minutes!" :smug:

BroncoManiac_69
02-15-2007, 08:36 AM
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

Saddletramp
02-19-2007, 10:18 PM
Old Love

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

GRLSLUVFTBL2
02-20-2007, 01:09 PM
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

BroncoManiac_69
02-21-2007, 12:29 PM
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

The sermon was completed so he sat down.........

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

BroncoManiac_69
03-22-2007, 01:06 PM
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is i t true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?"


"Well, I was thinkin ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

JWinn
03-22-2007, 04:58 PM
A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swinging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks; "Do you know her?"

"Yes", the husband sighs. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"MY GOD!", says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

BroncoManiac_69
03-23-2007, 12:38 PM
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St.. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died ."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes.

So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died ."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me !"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line .

"OK... picture this... I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ......

BroncoManiac_69
03-23-2007, 12:40 PM
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

shanniefly
03-23-2007, 08:42 PM
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

SmithOverTO
03-23-2007, 10:07 PM
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

shanniefly
03-23-2007, 10:18 PM
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.

The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"

“Just a lucky guess,” she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.'”

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, “A puppy!”

OaklandxxRaider
03-23-2007, 10:31 PM
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.

The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"

“Just a lucky guess,” she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.'”

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.

Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, “A puppy!”
:laugh: Funny stuff. :laugh:

shanniefly
03-23-2007, 10:40 PM
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.


no...... :eek: tough crowd...this one kills me...



Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."


still nothing....hmmmmmm...

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.

''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

shanniefly
03-24-2007, 05:31 PM
A boy was at a public pool.

The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, ''Hey! Don't pee in the pool!''

The boy replied, ''But everybody does it!''

''Not from the diving board!'' shouted the lifeguard.

shanniefly
03-24-2007, 11:36 PM
*The Italian Tomato Garden*

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES!!

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.They apologized
to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son:


Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances. I hope it helped.

Love,
Vinnie

BroncoManiac_69
03-27-2007, 02:20 PM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."


:laugh:

horsesense
03-29-2007, 11:08 AM
Husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote.

topscribe
03-29-2007, 12:40 PM
The preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to
the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," the minister said,
impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something
to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty.
The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected,
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge
$100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played,
"The Star Spangled Banner."

-----

orangenblue420
03-29-2007, 02:23 PM
These are funny guys (n gals)

Just wish I was joke savvy - not good at remembering and telling them - LOL

Steve_Harbula
03-30-2007, 10:37 AM
Let's keep things from getting too inappropriate, folks. The CoC applies even in a "jokes" thread. Watch out from getting too racy or offensive.

BroncoManiac_69
03-30-2007, 11:35 AM
Let's keep things from getting too inappropriate, folks. The CoC applies even in a "jokes" thread. Watch out from getting too racy or offensive.

*gulp*

Sorry :heh: I didn't think that one violated COC. I will delete it.

BroncoManiac_69
03-30-2007, 11:38 AM
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, hid the remote and then threw out my beer.

I have to learn to choose my words more carefully...

shanniefly
04-10-2007, 10:36 AM
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

shanniefly
04-10-2007, 10:59 AM
Want to hear three blonde jokes?

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q175/lugosikilledme/hanson.jpg

Listen to Hanson!

MasterShake
04-10-2007, 11:59 AM
I got one!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked!

BroncoManiac_69
04-10-2007, 12:23 PM
I got one!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked!


ROFLMAO!! Truly classic. :salute:

BroncoManiac_69
04-10-2007, 12:27 PM
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

Watson 81
04-10-2007, 06:32 PM
So this teenage girl asks her mom is it true babies come out where boys put their peni$?

The Mom says yes honey that's true.

The girl says but won't that hurt my jaw ;)

Watson 81
04-11-2007, 09:50 AM
Hope no one was offended :sad:

BroncoManiac_69
04-18-2007, 02:53 PM
After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. :confused:

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. :dance:

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?" :nono:

Chelsea said ................ "Not according to Dad." :D

broncos9697
04-18-2007, 02:59 PM
Tell your jokes here but remember to keep them within the COC.




Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."




now this is not a bad joke...A black man told me it and I just cracked up ok..

what do you call to black motorcycle cops=====================chocolate chips....

horsesense
04-19-2007, 01:40 PM
The Dying Priest
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.



"I would really like to see President George Bush and V.P. **** Cheney
before I die." whispered the priest.



"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the
word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.



As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.



When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his
right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face.



Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"


The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."



"Amen," said Bush.
"Amen," said Cheney.


The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like
to do the same."

BroncoManiac_69
04-19-2007, 03:26 PM
A teenage boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the boy.

His mother tells him he knows the rules - no breakfast until the chores are done.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes in for breakfast and kicks the cat out of his way coming into the kitchen.

The teenager looks at his mother with a smile, and says: "Dad is going to regret that move..."

:D

pipes
04-19-2007, 06:11 PM
Good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I

Want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on

Broadway, he had the right credentials.



The agent asked, "What's your name?"



The guy said, "My name is Peni$ van Lesbian."



The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."



"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I

Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."



The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will

NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name

Like Peni$ van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE

TO change your name or I will not be able to represent You."



"So be it! I guess we will not do business together"

The guy said and he left the agent's office.



FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent

To his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a

Check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would

Possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter

Enclosed...



"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office

Wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I

Needed to change my name.



Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I

Refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood

With a name like Peni$ van Lesbian. After I left your

Office, I thought about what you said. I decided you

Were right. I had to change my name. I had too much

Pride to return to your office, so I signed with

Another agent. I would never have made it without

Changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of

My appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.



Sincerely,

D1ck van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

orangenblue420
04-25-2007, 09:52 AM
The owner of a business in Oklahoma was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from OU and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings..."

You gotta love an Okie girl.

************************************************** ******

A group of Oklahoma buddies went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

************************************************** ********************

A man in Oklahoma was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope I'm in Oklahoma ." When asked why, he said "I'd rather be in Oklahoma because everything happens in Oklahoma 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

************************************************** **************

A good ole boy in Oklahoma came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

************************************************** ***********

NEWS FLASH! – Oklahoma 's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two OSU students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

************************************************** **************

An Oklahoma deputy pulled over a pickup on I-35. He asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

************************************************** **************

A man in Oklahoma had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

orangenblue420
04-25-2007, 09:53 AM
Want to hear three blonde jokes?

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q175/lugosikilledme/hanson.jpg

Listen to Hanson!


LMAO - They are here from Tulsa - it was such a big thing back then - they used to play Laser Tag where my brother worked

Watson 81
04-25-2007, 12:56 PM
My boss asked me Why I wasn't working

I said because I didn't see you coming

BroncoManiac_69
04-30-2007, 03:15 PM
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and
made funny noises.

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was CRAZY" and
give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed
out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked
out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said
to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Broncosinindy
04-30-2007, 07:38 PM
i was talking to a guy from west virginia today at work. and he mentioned being from west virginia and i asked him so if a man and a woman get divorced ... are they still brother and sister. .. needless to say he looked like he was gonna murder me.. sometimes i just cant contain myself...lol

BroncoManiac_69
05-10-2007, 12:54 PM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

BroncoManiac_69
05-15-2007, 08:33 AM
Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost $399 with 4 GB of memory or $499 with 8 GB.

Apple says this is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

BroncoSexyDaddy
05-15-2007, 12:59 PM
What does NFL players and hip hop rappers have in common?

Short careers and long criminal records

sneakers
05-16-2007, 05:10 AM
What do you call a smart blonde?



















A Golden Retriever

BroncoManiac_69
05-16-2007, 01:01 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50 '

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't.' she says.

'I was behind you in line at McDonald's.'

BroncoManiac_69
05-22-2007, 10:31 AM
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your noteasking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No,just up to my neck. I can splash it on my face".

:laugh:

horsesense
05-22-2007, 01:12 PM
Together At Last

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
;)

BroncoManiac_69
06-27-2007, 02:05 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says..

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No sir, I'm your son's teacher."

Day1BroncoFan
06-27-2007, 05:10 PM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says..

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No sir, I'm your son's teacher."


I wonder how red his face was after that? :cheers:

Jazzman1987
06-27-2007, 05:22 PM
a passenger airline jet is landing and its alittle rough. the Pilot says over the loud speaker: "sorry about the landing folks. it wasn't the plane's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it wasn't even the pilot's fault. it was the asphalt"

topscribe
07-01-2007, 07:01 PM
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again.

-----

darrent/hero
07-01-2007, 11:47 PM
The Dying Priest
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.



"I would really like to see President George Bush and V.P. **** Cheney
before I die." whispered the priest.



"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the
word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.



As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.



When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his
right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face.



Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"


The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."



"Amen," said Bush.
"Amen," said Cheney.


The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like
to do the same."

hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahah.


:laugh:

that is great.

arapaho
07-02-2007, 02:48 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

arapaho
07-02-2007, 02:49 PM
A priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
>students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
>
>They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk &
>shop.
>
>One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
>that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
>One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would
>all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
>convert it.
>
>Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
>
>Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
>various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
>find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
>Catechism.
>Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
>So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, he became as gentle
>as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
>and confirmation."
>
>Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
>both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory
>he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
>and I FOUND me a bear.
>
>And then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD! But that bear
>wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
>wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we
>came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
>just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
>the day praying.
>
>
>They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
>was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
>of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
>on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start

arapaho
07-02-2007, 02:51 PM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes
full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side... ......You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f**k away from me."

darrent/hero
07-02-2007, 03:18 PM
the raiders.

BroncoManiac_69
10-07-2007, 04:42 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



:D

sneakers
10-11-2007, 05:19 AM
(I think I have told this Joke on BM probably around 5 times)

What do you call a smart blonde?

sneakers
10-11-2007, 05:20 AM
a golden retriever.

16milehigh87
10-13-2007, 05:34 PM
Age and shopping at Wal-Mart


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You
are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old
t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement proje ct you realize you
need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You
went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sw eatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the
register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and
it says, "I Got Worms ".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No n eed for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You
hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses
on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The
young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for You fart out loud and think
someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front
door went to school with you.

BroncoManiac_69
10-17-2007, 10:16 AM
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the Recent death of her husband Earl, So she decided to just kill herself And join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it Over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to Shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," The doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

BroncoManiac_69
11-21-2007, 10:11 AM
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

RaiderHater9899
11-21-2007, 02:07 PM
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first surgeon says, “Accountants are best to operate on because everything is numbered.” The second surgeon says “Nope. Librarians are. Everything inside of them is in alphabetical order.” The third surgeon says “Well you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded.” The fourth doctor says “I prefer raider fans. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently, a teacher started a new job in Denver and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explained to her class that she’s a Broncos fan. She asked the class to raise their hands if they too were Broncos fans.

Everyone in the class raised their hand except forone little girl. The teacher looked at the girl with surprised and said, “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Broncos fan”, she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked “Well if you’re not a Broncos fan, then who do you support?”

“I’m a Chargers fan and proud of it.” Mary said.

The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why are you a Chargers fan when you live in one of America's best cities, Denver?"

“Because my mom and dad are from San Diego and my mom is a Chargers fan and my dad is a Chargers fan, so I’m a Chargers fan too!”

“Well,” said the teachers, in an obviously annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Crhagers fan. You don’t have to be just like you’re parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?”

Mary said, “A Raiders fan”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Bronco fan in a bar leans over to the guy next
to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Raider fans?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Raiders fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Raiders fan, and the guy sitting next ot him is 6'5" 280 pounds and he's a Raiders fan too.

Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Bronco fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three
times."


:laugh:

RaiderHater9899
11-21-2007, 02:14 PM
Q: What do you call 47 millions, sitting around a tv watching the playoffs?
A: The Oakland Raiders
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders & Billy Graham have in common?
A: They can both make 70,000 people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the LAPD & the Oakland Raiders have in common?
A: Neither can catch a Bronco
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Al Davis so upset when the Raiders playbook was stolen?
A: He hadn't finished coloring in it yet
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Lambeau Field?
A: The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep an Oakland Raider out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Oakland Raiders does it take to win a football game?
A: No body knows and we will probably never find out
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the Oakland Raiders & Possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home & get killed on the road
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Oakland Raider wearing an AFC West Championship hat?
A: A thief

RaiderHater9899
11-21-2007, 02:21 PM
2 tigers are walking through the forrest, one infront of the other.
The second tiger sticks out his tongue & licks the first's butt.
The first turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing"
The second hangs his head in shame & they continue walking.

A while later the second tiger sticks his tongue out & licks the first's butt for the 2nd time. Again, the first tiger turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing???" The second apologizes quickly & says it won't happen again. They continue walking.

After walking awhile, the second tiger sticks his tongue out & licks the first tiger's butt for the 3rd time. The first tiger turns around sharply, the grabs the second in his jaws, and says "What the hell doyou think you're doing licking my butt?"

The second tiger says "I'm sorry! I just ate a Raiders fan & I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

orangenblue420
11-21-2007, 02:28 PM
2 tigers are walking through the forrest, one infront of the other.
The second tiger sticks out his tongue & licks the first's butt.
The first turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing"
The second hangs his head in shame & they continue walking.

A while later the second tiger sticks his tongue out & licks the first's butt for the 2nd time. Again, the first tiger turns around and says "What the hell do you think you're doing???" The second apologizes quickly & says it won't happen again. They continue walking.

After walking awhile, the second tiger sticks his tongue out & licks the first tiger's butt for the 3rd time. The first tiger turns around sharply, the grabs the second in his jaws, and says "What the hell doyou think you're doing licking my butt?"

The second tiger says "I'm sorry! I just ate a Raiders fan & I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh:

Broncofan-13
11-21-2007, 02:31 PM
Man, this thread is still alive? sweet.

Jeez, do I even KNOW any board-friendly jokes?

....hmmmmm....


okay.

-What do You say to a puerto rican in a 3-piece suit?

-"will the defendant please rise?"


thats the only one I can curently think of that I can get away with.

Wanna hear some ridiulous ones? too bad.

:cheers:

BroncoManiac_69
11-21-2007, 03:32 PM
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh:

I Concur!! :laugh:

ROFLMAO!!

I didn't expect that punch line. :laugh:

2 Minute Warning
11-29-2007, 02:37 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
> Saint Peter at the
> pearly gates.
>
> "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You
> must each
> possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get
> into heaven."
>
> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
> out a lighter.
> He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
>
> "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter
> said.
>
> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
> out a set of keys.
> He shook them and said, "They're bells."
>
> Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly
> gates".
>
> The third man started searching desperately through
> his pockets and
> finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
>
> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow
> and asked, "And
> just what do those symbolize?"
>
> The man replied, "These are Carols." :D :)
>
> And So The Christmas Season Begins......

2 Minute Warning
12-03-2007, 08:00 AM
A trip to the Mall..........

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was
Watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair
In all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.My dad kept
Staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old
Man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
Not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style
He did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a
Peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

BroncoManiac_69
12-27-2007, 04:06 PM
Bump ;)

:cheers:

KozmicKlown
12-27-2007, 04:15 PM
Bump ;)

:cheers:

Why thank you :D

We should try to sticky this.

BroncoManiac_69
12-27-2007, 04:26 PM
Why thank you :D

We should try to sticky this.

Just doing my public service duty. :salute:

You could bring your joke over here and delete that thread. :D

I like going through this thread.

I have already received my single quota of stickiness. I was so honored to get stickied in GD. :laugh:

Sounds messy. :goofy:

jetrazor74
12-29-2007, 08:35 AM
I got home from work last night and found my wife packing her stuff. "Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm going to Vegas," she replied.

"Why?" I asked.

"I just heard that I can get $500 bucks a pop for what I've been giving you for free," she told me.

So I started packing my stuff as well.

"And just where are YOU going?" she asked.

"Vegas," I said.

"Why?" she asked.

I replied, "I want to see you live on $1000 bucks a year!"

jetrazor74
12-29-2007, 08:49 AM
A young man was walking down the street and struggling to carry 2 buckets, a goose, an anvil, and 2 chickens when he was stopped by a little old lady.

"Excuse me young man, but can you tell me how to get to Oak Street?"

"Well, it's easy to get there, but kind of hard to explain," he replied. "I'd show you but I'm having trouble trying to carry 2 buckets, a goose, an anvil, and 2 chickens."

"Well, put the anvil in one bucket, the goose in the other, and put a chicken under each arm," she said, and the young man followed her instructions.

"Wow, that's much easier! I'd be happy to take you to Oak Street now," he said and they started off.

Soon they came to a dark alley and the young man said, "We need to go this way, it's a short cut."

She looked at him warily and aske, "Young man, I don't know you. If we go down this dark alley are you going to throw me up against the wall and take advantage of me?"

The young man was shocked, "Lady, I'm carrying 2 buckets, a goose, an anvil, and 2 chickens.... how am I supposed to do that?!?"

"Well, put the goose down and put the buckets upside down on the goose, then put the anvil on top of the buckets and I'll hold the chickens...."

jetrazor74
12-29-2007, 09:01 AM
A young couple from the deep south got married. On their wedding night, as they were getting "intimate" in bed, the young bride said, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

Without saying a word, the young man got out of bed, got dressed and quickly drove home to his parents house.

As he walked in the door, his stunned father asked, "What are you doing here, son? This is your wedding night!"

"Dad, she just told me she was a virgin!"

After thinking for a moment his father replied, "You did the right thing, son. If she's not good enough for her own family, then she's not good enough for ours!!"

jetrazor74
12-29-2007, 09:04 AM
What's the difference between a drummer and a podiatrist?



















A podiatrist bucks up your feet!

BaileyTheBest
12-29-2007, 09:09 AM
What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The corn shucker shucks between fits.

2 Minute Warning
02-21-2008, 09:00 AM
Tea Party
> >
One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
toilet?":coffee: :confused::sick:

BroncoManiac_69
02-27-2008, 11:37 AM
A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

:D

jetrazor74
02-27-2008, 02:25 PM
What do you tell a Chargers fan with two black eyes?

































Nothing. He's already been told twice!

BroncoManiac_69
03-07-2008, 10:58 AM
Who's Your Best Friend?

A dog truly is man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try locking your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

:laugh:

lilsstinkr
03-07-2008, 11:10 AM
Who's Your Best Friend?

A dog truly is man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try locking your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

:laugh:

LMAO thats just wrong.......:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

BroncoManiac_69
03-07-2008, 12:20 PM
LMAO thats just wrong.......:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

:laugh:

My wife didn't think that was very funny. ROF!!

:halo:

BroncoManiac_69
03-07-2008, 12:48 PM
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.



:laugh:

Legendary30
03-07-2008, 02:34 PM
So this guy decides to go to a bar after a long hard day at work. He walks in and sits down next to another guy at the bar and they start talking and drinking. Turns out they both had really bad days. The guy who was already sitting down told the other guy that he had been at the bar all afternoon trying to drink his problems away. It was obvious he was already drunk. They each had a few more drinks until the guy who was there all afternoon was just completely hammered and wasn't making sense. The second guy had a pretty good buzz and wasn't in the mood to baby-sit but he decided that he was going to do the right thing and give him a ride home.
He tries to put the drunk guys arm around him and walk out, but the drunk guy just falls flat on his face and gets a huge knot on his forehead. The 2nd guy is embarrassed because the whole bar is watching and shaking their heads. He picks the drunk guy up again and tries walk him outside but the drunk guy falls again on to the top of a table and knocks it over, breaking beer bottles and getting cut up by the glass. The second guy is beginning to get mad. Yet again, the whole bar is watching and shaking their heads. The 2nd guy just decides to drag the drunk guy out to the car so he won't fall anymore. The drunk guy is heavy so it takes him a few minutes to get through the bar. It makes him furious that everyone in the bar was just watching him. As he gets to the door, he turns to everyone and says: "You all should be ashamed of yourselves for just standing there watching me instead of helping me!" The Bar tender tells the guy: "You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to carry him instead of using his wheel chair."

hardcorebronco
03-07-2008, 03:02 PM
Here's one!

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Que the courtesy laugh: :laugh:

hardcorebronco
03-07-2008, 03:05 PM
Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

:(

2 Minute Warning
03-07-2008, 06:11 PM
Man driving down road.
> > Woman driving up same road ...
> > They pass each other ...
> > The woman yells out the window, PIG!
> > Man yells back out window, B* I* T* C* H!
> > Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and
> dies.
> > Thought for The Day: If only men would listen.
> >:rolleyes:

hardcorebronco
03-07-2008, 06:46 PM
Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said,
"Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're GAY, ain't ya?"

T140
03-07-2008, 07:42 PM
what's brown and sticky?































a stick.
:P

T140
03-07-2008, 07:42 PM
Why did the koala fall off the branch?




























it died.

dandaman23
03-07-2008, 08:05 PM
So a man is shopping at a supermarket when he sees a beautiful woman staring at him, she gives him a wink and waves him over as he begins to think where he knew her from.. He got over to her and said " You look very familiar, have we met before?" The woman replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids" The man shocked and worried starts thinking back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife and asks " Are you the stripper that me and my buddy got with that night at his bachelor party and he was doin you as I was spanking you with wet noodles?" , the woman startled and a bit embarraced says "Uhmm, no I am your sons 3rd grade teacher"

:D

hardcorebronco
03-07-2008, 08:50 PM
It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies.

Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned.

'Why not?' Al grunted. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?' :D

BroncoManiac_69
03-28-2008, 02:54 PM
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

lilsstinkr
04-15-2008, 02:33 PM
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult-1.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult2.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult3.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadut4.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult4-1.jpg

lilsstinkr
04-15-2008, 02:34 PM
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult6.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult.jpg

had to split it sorry!

Legendary30
04-15-2008, 02:36 PM
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult-1.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult2.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult3.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadut4.jpg
http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii159/mamaboom/youknowyouranadult4-1.jpg

According to this list, I am still not grown up!!

diesel51
04-19-2008, 08:34 AM
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

BroncoManiac_69
04-29-2008, 03:22 PM
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,"13....13....13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"...

osubroncos86
05-01-2008, 08:26 AM
Who's Your Best Friend?

A dog truly is man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try locking your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

:laugh:

I just texted this joke to my fiancee, because I thought it was very funny. Her reply:

"Your wife, who is now holding the tire iron."

:laugh: She's a witty one, I love her to death!

I have one.

4 guys....a Texas Longhorns fan, a Texas A&M Aggies fan, an Oklahoma Sooners fan, and an Oklahoma State Cowboys fan...all go hiking in the mountains. Each are arguing over who is more devoted to their school and alma mater.

Finally, wanting to settle the argument once and for all, the Aggies fan runs over to the edge of a cliff and yells, "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY AGGIES!!" And he jumps off the cliff.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Longhorns fan runs to the edge of a cliff and yells "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY LONGHORNS!!!" And proceeds to jump off the cliff.

The OU and OSU fans run to the edge of the cliff, astounded by what they just saw. Suddenly, the OSU fan yells, "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY COWBOYS!!!" And pushes the Sooner fan off the cliff.

:D

Legendary30
05-16-2008, 02:48 PM
When I was born god gave me 2 choices. I could either have a good memory or be amazing in bed. Damn, I forgot the rest of the joke!



:laugh:

BroncoBJ4MVP!!!
05-16-2008, 03:28 PM
:laugh: @ the Jokes in this thread.
:dance:

Southstander
05-17-2008, 12:26 AM
Here is my Joke!

My Love life:sad:

jetrazor74
05-17-2008, 12:50 AM
When I was born god gave me 2 choices. I could either have a good memory or be amazing in bed. Damn, I forgot the rest of the joke!



:laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

// / yardo
05-22-2008, 05:37 PM
A blond chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blond wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blond could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blond reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blond handed him $5.

The blond then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blond $50.00

The blond put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blond handed him $5.

broncos1997
05-23-2008, 12:53 AM
don't know anyones heard any of these before but what the heck.

one that got forwarded too me:

A husband and wife were going to the hospital so that the wife could get her tubes tided. They were both certified rednecks who have 9 children. After the doctor finished, he asked out of curiousity why they decided to go through with the operation after having 9 kids. The husband replied "we read that 1 out of ever 10 kids born in America are hispanic, and seeing that neither of us speak spanish, we didn't want to take the chance."
-------------------------------------------------------------
some blonde jokes told to me by a sort of blonde friend

a blonde wearing some headphones (the big bulky type) walked into a beauty shop to get her hair cut. the lady working there asks if she can take them off while she cuts here hair

blonde: no! i need those headphones, i'll die without them!

so the lady shrugs and works on her hair. after a while, the blonde falls asleep. Curious, the lady takes the headphones off. She was astonished when the blonde fell over, dead, so she put on the earphones and listened. there was one voice saying: breath in, breath out, breath in.............

-------------------------------------------------------------

a man walks by a park with his blonde friend. As they walk by, they see a blonde girl whos rowing a boat on the grass.

man: hahaha look at that girl

blonde friend: yeah, its people like that who make a bad name for us blondes....... if i knew how to swim then i would go out and knock some sense into her.

BroncoManiac_69
05-29-2008, 09:34 AM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that
she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The
first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was
better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from New England. He told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich
and load the dishwasher.

broooks77
06-08-2008, 08:06 PM
A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begged him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"



The owner replied, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

broooks77
06-08-2008, 08:08 PM
Little Johnny's parents were finally getting divorced, and went to famiily court for a custody hearing.

Little Johnny's mother's attorney told the court that he should live with his mother because she was nurturing and kind, and even worse... Johnny's Daddy beats him!

Little Johnny's father's attorney told the court that he should live with his father because he could better provide proper necessities, and even worse... Johnny's Mommy beats him!

Finally, the judge asked Johnny "Who do YOU want to live with, son?"

And Little Johnny wiped his eys, sniffled and squeaked out "I want to live with the Oakland Raiders, because They can't beat Anyone!"

:laugh:

broncos1997
06-11-2008, 04:31 PM
A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The guy begged him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"



The owner replied, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

:laugh: that might be one of the best raiders ones i've read

Bronco_Armada
06-11-2008, 06:53 PM
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a
Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk
To ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
Hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
Purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
Started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out
His head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut
Of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00.'

Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
Into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
Seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents. The salesman looked both
Ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
Anticipation stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
Started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed
Out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the
Salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...

Which now had a button sewed on the end.

Bronco_Armada
06-11-2008, 06:55 PM
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than
you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than
you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'





SHE GOT THE RAISE!

osubroncos86
06-12-2008, 11:41 AM
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than
you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than
you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'





SHE GOT THE RAISE!

http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg289/cpbunch/smiley/coffeescreen.gif

BroncoManiac_69
06-26-2008, 10:58 AM
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt
cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that
she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

// / yardo
06-27-2008, 10:35 AM
This should score me some points with the blonds on the board. JK

A well-dressed blonde woman goes into a bank in centran Manhattan and sits down to speak with the loan officer. She explains to him that she will be traveling to Europe and will need a $5000 loan. The loan officer explains that the bank will need some sort of collateral. The woman produces keys to a Rolls-Royce parked outside. She offers them to the loan manager, along with an envelope containing the car title. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral. As the woman leaves, there are some snickers that she would leave a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan. One of the bank managers takes the keys and from the loan officer and drives the car himself into the bank’s underground parking.

Two weeks later, the woman comes back and repays the loan, plus $15.43 interest. As she is taking her keys back, the loan officer gets up the courage to ask the question which has been nagging at him: “While you were gone, we looked into your financial situation and we found out that you are a multi-millionnaire. Why would you need a $5000 loan?” She replies “Where else in Manhattan can I leave my car for two weeks, still have it be there when I get back, and only pay $15.43 for parking?”

Who said blondes were stupid?

KatieElway7
06-27-2008, 11:00 AM
This should score me some points with the blonds on the board. JK

A well-dressed blonde woman goes into a bank in centran Manhattan and sits down to speak with the loan officer. She explains to him that she will be traveling to Europe and will need a $5000 loan. The loan officer explains that the bank will need some sort of collateral. The woman produces keys to a Rolls-Royce parked outside. She offers them to the loan manager, along with an envelope containing the car title. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral. As the woman leaves, there are some snickers that she would leave a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5000 loan. One of the bank managers takes the keys and from the loan officer and drives the car himself into the bank’s underground parking.

Two weeks later, the woman comes back and repays the loan, plus $15.43 interest. As she is taking her keys back, the loan officer gets up the courage to ask the question which has been nagging at him: “While you were gone, we looked into your financial situation and we found out that you are a multi-millionnaire. Why would you need a $5000 loan?” She replies “Where else in Manhattan can I leave my car for two weeks, still have it be there when I get back, and only pay $15.43 for parking?”

Who said blondes were stupid?

:clap::laugh: I've never heard a smart blonde joke before! Good one!

// / yardo
06-27-2008, 04:13 PM
:clap::laugh: I've never heard a smart blonde joke before! Good one!

You like that huh. I got another one for you...

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

BroncoManiac_69
07-10-2008, 10:22 AM
:laugh:

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/4/7/10/f_image001m_bcb79e9.jpg

Bronco_Armada
07-10-2008, 12:22 PM
After many hard years of work at the same place Mr. Niss has decided to request for a pay raise...




I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response

Dear Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your desi gnated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

BroncoManiac_69
07-10-2008, 12:57 PM
That made me bust out loud B_A. :laugh:

I think your safe with the COC there. :thumb:

Legendary30
07-14-2008, 02:14 PM
That made me bust out loud B_A. :laugh:

I think your safe with the COC there. :thumb:

Bump!

Here is the jokes thread Sunbiz1.:salute:

BroncoManiac_69
08-07-2008, 09:32 AM
The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to
Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard
anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the
seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

KatieElway7
08-07-2008, 09:38 AM
The Bus Ride

'

:laugh::clap: Haha, I love blonde jokes, that was cute!

Chris Wade
08-07-2008, 02:33 PM
Your trapped in an elevator with a lion , bear and lawyer . You have a pistol but only two bullets . What do you do ?................................Shoot the lawyer twice

Al Wilson 4 Mayor
08-07-2008, 03:33 PM
:laugh:

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/4/7/10/f_image001m_bcb79e9.jpg

that's funny-

Here's one I posted in "Talkin' Smack"

Idaho Farmer Story
You're gonna' laugh at this joke.

This Idaho farmer lives a life that isn't very admirable and ends up in hell.

Anyway, as our story goes a long, the devil sees him kicking back in the 90 degree heat over by some brimstone and asks him if the heat is bothering him.

He replies "This is like a nice spring day in Idaho".

So the devil goes and cranks the heat up and returns to find our farmer in the same position relaxing and asks him if he is suffering at all.

The farmer replies "104 degrees is just like a nice summer day in Idaho".

The devil then runs back and cranks the heat all of the way up and returns to see the farmer still relaxing. He asks him if the heat bothers him at all at 115 degrees.

The farmer replies " Oh no, I've bucked hay in temperatures like this!"

The devil says to him "You are suppose to be in torment!" He then runs back and turns the heat completely down, and after a few hours everything starts to freeze over. He runs back to find the farmer looking around kind of bewildered and asks him what he thinks.

The farmer looks around for a few seconds more and replies " Well, I guess the Chargers must have won the superbowl".

BroncoManiac_69
08-08-2008, 08:32 AM
A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

"What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Superchop7
08-09-2008, 03:07 AM
So.......a dyslexic guy walks into a rab........

BroncoManiac_69
08-12-2008, 09:55 AM
Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

BroncoManiac_69
08-12-2008, 04:36 PM
A Texas woodpecker and a New Mexico woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said Texas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The New Mexico woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas woodpecker was amazed.

The New Mexico woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a tree in New Mexico that was absolutely im-peck-able (a term woodpeckers like to use). :laugh:

The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to New Mexico where the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called im-peck-able tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the New Mexico woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the New Mexico tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state??

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:......

Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

:D

thehighlander
08-12-2008, 10:13 PM
So.......a dyslexic guy walks into a rab........

but now he is KO

prez
08-12-2008, 10:17 PM
baby seal walks into a club

BroncoManiac_69
08-14-2008, 08:52 AM
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.

BroncoManiac_69
08-14-2008, 08:53 AM
baby seal walks into a club

ROFLMAO!!

That is so bad. :laugh:

draco193
08-14-2008, 09:09 AM
In a small town, Mr and Mrs Wiley were quiote famous. Their marriage had lasted for nearly 80 years now, and it had been one of th emost blissful unions that anyone had seen. The local paper decided to do a story on them, and asked Mrs Wiley what their secret was.

"Well," she began, "it all started on our honeymoon to the Grand Canyon. We decided to ride some of those Donkeys down to the bottom of the canyon. My husband got an old donkey, and the owner said it wasnt as sure footed as it once was, but, it would get him down there. So, as we go along, his donkey slips on the trail. My husband grabs the things ears, shakes it and says "Thats Once!". We continue on, and wouldnt you know, the donkey slips agin. HE grabs it ears, shakes it and says "Thats Twice!". Well, we continued on for a time, but, that donkey slipped again. He shouted "Thats it!", pulled out a pistol, and shot it dead. I started to protest, until he walked over, grabbed my ears and said "Thats Once!""

BroncoManiac_69
08-14-2008, 01:20 PM
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

* It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture


The woman was o n the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

BroncoManiac_69
08-14-2008, 04:43 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, **** <--(Short for Richard), we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''

BroncoManiac_69
08-15-2008, 02:09 PM
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

hurricane808
08-16-2008, 01:21 AM
Whats open 24 hours a day?

YA MUM...:D

:laugh:hahahahahahhahahaha

hurricane808
08-16-2008, 01:22 AM
Ya mum is like ace-hardware....10 cents a screw:D

BroncoManiac_69
08-18-2008, 08:29 AM
El Vaquero (the Mexican cowboy) and his chihuahua, Chilito, are camping in the desert. El Vaquero sets up their tent and both are soon asleep.

Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend, "Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, señor."

"What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, señor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says, "Chilito, you pendejo, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

BroncoManiac_69
08-21-2008, 01:46 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

BroncoManiac_69
09-17-2008, 02:57 PM
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: "Haven't you got a vase?"

Chris Wade
09-24-2008, 06:24 AM
Woman tells her friend "My husband never farted when we were dating. Now that we're married it's like a second language."

Chris Wade
09-24-2008, 08:57 AM
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.

Sleepy.......

BroncoManiac_69
09-29-2008, 08:45 AM
Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap might separate them at times,

But they always come back together.

Tell that to all your butt cheeks.

PA BRONCO 420
09-29-2008, 09:30 AM
what is the difference between camel toe and moose knuckle???




about 200 lbs

Trench777
09-30-2008, 11:22 AM
What do you call 10,000 Raider fans at the bottom of the ocean?




















A DAMN good start.

~T777~

Trench777
09-30-2008, 11:24 AM
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”


T777

Trench777
09-30-2008, 11:27 AM
Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.


Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks


T777

P.S. (dont know why I find that so funny, but I laugh everytime I read it)

Trench777
09-30-2008, 11:30 AM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


T777

Trench777
09-30-2008, 11:32 AM
A couple of Texan hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

:D T777

Southstander
09-30-2008, 11:35 AM
http://forums.denverbroncos.com/showthread.php?p=2353344#post2353344

CTM
09-30-2008, 11:41 AM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

BroncoManiac_69
09-30-2008, 02:03 PM
Watch for these business consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner Cracker

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

BroncoManiac_69
10-07-2008, 01:30 PM
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. .

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

BroncoManiac_69
10-08-2008, 08:38 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'



:doh:

:laugh:

BroncoManiac_69
11-21-2008, 11:35 AM
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

CTM
11-22-2008, 03:21 PM
A truck driver despises lawyers. In fact, every chance he gets, he runs them over with his truck.

One day the trucker see's a priest who needs a lift and happily agrees to take him into town.

The priest is barely in his seat when the trucker sees a lawyer standing on the corner.

He floors it and is racing towards the lawyer when he realizes at the last moment that it would be a terrible thing to do, especially with a holy man in his truck.

He swerves away from the lawyer at the last moment and pulls over, feeling like he needs to explain himself.

"Father, I'm terribly sorry, I was trying to run over that lawyer..."

"Ah my son" the priest replied "Do not worry, I took him out with my door"

chazoe60
11-22-2008, 06:19 PM
Three cowboys are sitting next to a campfire.

The first cowboy says "I'm so tough, on the way to the ranch today three Indians shot me with arrows. I still went out and rustled cattle all day"

The second cowboy says "That's nothin', I was on my way to the ranch and five Indians shot me with arrows and my horse stomped on my toe, and I still went out and rustled cattle all day."

The third cowboy just sat quietly stirring the fire with his d**k.

CTM
11-26-2008, 12:02 PM
In the spirit of Thanksgiving I will tell one of my favorite jokes of all time.

It is slightly disgusting, but hey, what great joke isnt?


A man and woman have been happily married for 15 years. The only thing driving them apart is the husband has absolutely terrible gas. Every morning the wife wakes up to his flatulence.

In an effort to put a scare into him, one day the wife tells him "Honey if you keep doing that you're going to fart your guts out"
"Ah you're crazy" Is his reply.

So one Thanksgiving morning, the wife is in the kitchen preparing the Turkey and so she's taking out the liver, the intestines and guts when she gets a great idea to REALLY put the scare into her husband about farting.

So she takes the guts upstairs and puts them inside of his underwear drawer. She returns to the kitchen and waits patiently to see what will come of this.

Two minutes later, he comes staggering down the stairs, wide eyed, "Honey you were right! I didnt believe you but you were right!"

"Right about what dear?"

"I farted my guts out! But thank the Lord I got some Vaseline and stuck most of em back up there!"

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :salute:

osubroncos86
12-07-2008, 10:37 PM
You have your dog barking at the back door, and your wife yelling at the front door. Who do you let in first?


























































The dog, of course. The dog shuts up when you let it in.

I heard that earlier and lost it. :D

BroncoManiac_69
12-18-2008, 11:43 AM
:laugh:



A group of country friends from a local church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms were expensive.

She said to her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He asked, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

No, she replied, "Some wild mushrooms are poison."

He added, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump everyone's stomach. Things will be fine. Just keep everyone calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all feeling pretty weak and just sitting around the living room when the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

chazoe60
12-18-2008, 07:55 PM
How many Whitehouse interns does it take to change a lightbulb?





One, but she'd probably blow it.

Waka-waka-waka

BroncoManiac_69
02-18-2009, 03:24 PM
'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!

housemouse
02-18-2009, 05:55 PM
How do you scare bees?






















BOOBIES!



























Just trying to make this longer....So it looks like I fit in here.

Chris Wade
02-19-2009, 07:48 AM
The blonde is watching the news with her husband when the reporter announces "three Brazilian men died in a sky diving accident today." The blonde turns to her husband sobbing and crying says "oh those poor men". The husband (quite taken aback by her extreme reaction) replies "well it's a dangerous sport and you never know." The blonde then says " How many is a Brazilian, anyway ?"

osubroncos86
02-19-2009, 09:48 AM
I posted this in another thread, but here it is again, in The Jokes Thread:

So four guys go hiking: A Raiders fan, a Chargers fan, a Chiefs fan, and a Broncos fan. They are all hiking and arguing over who was the most devoted to their respective teams.

Finally having had enough, the Chiefs fan runs over to a cliff and yells, "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY CHIEFS!!!" And proceeds to jump off.

Not to be outdone, the Chargers fan runs over to the cliff and yells, "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY CHARGERS!!!" And jumps off after him.

The Bronco fan and Raider fan run over to the cliff and look down. After a moment or two, the Bronco fan yells, "I'M DOING THIS FOR MY BRONCOS!!!" And pushes the Raiders fan off the cliff.

:smash: <--- Raider fan going splat.

:td:

// / yardo
02-19-2009, 10:25 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you
when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.

BroncoManiac_69
02-24-2009, 10:37 AM
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

nbaballer913
02-25-2009, 07:47 PM
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-of-pus

sorry if you dont like it, i read it somewhere today and it was somewhat funny.

// / yardo
02-27-2009, 09:11 AM
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-of-pus

sorry if you dont like it, i read it somewhere today and it was somewhat funny.

My fiancée told me that joke a few nights ago. I thought it was funny.

ebsoria
02-27-2009, 09:29 AM
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-of-pus

sorry if you dont like it, i read it somewhere today and it was somewhat funny.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Mega-sore-ass. :eek:

ebsoria
02-27-2009, 09:31 AM
A koala was sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiii iit, dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!

chazoe60
02-27-2009, 09:33 AM
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-of-pus

sorry if you dont like it, i read it somewhere today and it was somewhat funny.

Have you heard about the female remake of Brokeback Mountain?


It's called Lickcrack Canyon.

BroncoManiac_69
02-27-2009, 09:45 AM
Have you heard about the female remake of Brokeback Mountain?


It's called Lickcrack Canyon.

Buwahahahahahaha. :laugh:

We need to link this thread to our new friend Danny. :salute: I'm sure he would get a few smiles out of it!! :rockon:

nbaballer913
02-27-2009, 07:27 PM
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Mega-sore-ass. :eek:

yea, this one was on my iPhone jokes app too.

jetrazor74
02-27-2009, 10:30 PM
Joke of the day? GD forum.... :doh:

Peerless
02-27-2009, 10:36 PM
Joke of the year?

getlynched47 :doh:

The Caped Crusader
02-28-2009, 06:19 AM
getlynched47 :doh:

yup, he's a great example of why quality>quantity.

osubroncos86
03-02-2009, 07:27 AM
The real joke? That the crazy **** from the GD forum has leaked into our sacred ABF forum....and that NOBODY'S TELLING REAL JOKES!!! :doh:

BroncoManiac_69
03-09-2009, 08:28 AM
Velda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

She had to go to work the next day, so she left a note for the repairman: “I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike -- he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU -- DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!

When the repairman arrived at Velda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she had said, the dog just stretched out on the carpet and watched him work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman could not contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Sunbiz1
03-09-2009, 08:33 AM
This is an actual job application that someone submitted to a
fast-food restaurant:
-------------------------------------------------------------
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:
(removed)

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in
the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to
be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

Sunbiz1
03-09-2009, 09:31 AM
Hostages

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its
Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as
hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands
were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Sunbiz1
03-09-2009, 09:33 AM
You Might be in a Redneck Church if..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The doors are never locked.

2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!"

3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" -
and five guys stand up.

5. The restroom is outside.

6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church
holiday.

7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I
ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".

8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two
calves."

9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any
meat or vegetables.

10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.

12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."

13. The church directory doesn't have last names.

14. The pastor wears boots.

15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.

16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the
summer and then only so their Neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.

17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."

19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.

21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you
have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.

22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.

23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or
catfish.

24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"

Sunbiz1
03-09-2009, 10:02 AM
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Sunbiz1
03-12-2009, 08:57 AM
Marriage & Death

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone -
on which the inscription read : HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

Employee Evaluation:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you
earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

3 Priests

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting
to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a
very, very shapely woman. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The
priests were embarrassed as this was new territory, so they drew
straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began,
"I would like three pickets to ****burg..." Whereupon he
completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change
in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes.
And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like
that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to
shake his peter at you."

The Most Gruesome Death:

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''

Sunbiz1
03-13-2009, 08:50 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his(self-edited)in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

Sunbiz1
03-13-2009, 09:33 AM
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over."

But the fifth
surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the rear are interchangeable.

Bronco_Hyde
03-13-2009, 10:42 AM
One day shortly after Easter, some kids decided to play a little joke on the chicken farmer. They snuck into the chicken coop and replaced all the eggs with brightly colored Easter eggs.

Shortly thereafter, the Farm rooster entered the chicken coop, saw the eggs, and stormed out.

Now he's beating the crap out of the neighbor's peocock!!

Sunbiz1
03-15-2009, 08:18 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so,
I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be awful all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.. ..

Sunbiz1
03-16-2009, 09:15 AM
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and
Welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."
"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor Stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

Sunbiz1
03-19-2009, 02:24 PM
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

Sunbiz1
03-20-2009, 08:46 AM
The Beer's Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN.


Personal note: Services are held every week on Friday's at the
HillTop Pub.

BroncoManiac_69
03-30-2009, 10:00 AM
Cup Of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such a yummy cup of tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. )

‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet? ”

BroncoManiac_69
03-30-2009, 10:02 AM
While shopping for vacation clothes, a woman and her husband passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."




He's still in intensive care

Sunbiz1
03-30-2009, 10:18 AM
2008 Darwin Awards


> You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so
> without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
>
> Eighth Place
>
> In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
> feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
> sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
>
> Seventh Place
>
> A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally
> zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on
> his daily run.
>
> Sixth Place
>
> While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole
> for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
> bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
> on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
> could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost
> an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
> Fifth Place
>
> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
> ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
> long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands
> free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
>
> Fourth Place
>
> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet
> with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
> bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
>
> Third Place
>
> After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at
> the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms
> intent on robbing the store.

The shop was full of customers and a uniformed
> officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the
> would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a
> target pistol.
> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
> customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced
> dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47
> expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
> Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was
> hurt.
>
> HONORABLE MENTION
>
> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just
> driving around at 2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss
> out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to
> notice the window was closed.
>
> RUNNER UP
>
> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when
> one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local
> bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
> and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
> Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
> had brought a
> bungee rope's; Bingham, who had continued drinking,
> volunteered and
> pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near
> by. They secured
> one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to
> the bridge. His
> fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his
> foot off at
> the ankle.
>
> He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and
> was rescued by
> two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
>
>
> AND THE WINNER IS....
>
> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant
> 22 doses of
> animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and
> prunes
> before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
> Investigators say
> ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing
> elephant an
> olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
> sheer force of
> the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr
> Riesfeldt to the ground
> where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
> continued to
> evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be
> just one of
> those freak accidents that proves... ####
> happens'.
>
> IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR
> REMOVING
> THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

BroncoManiac_69
04-23-2009, 10:15 AM
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach...
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom,

I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

BroncoManiac_69
05-04-2009, 01:09 PM
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel muc h luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

jay who ?
05-04-2009, 01:48 PM
a father walks into his sons room and catches him master***ing,
the father sternly warns the boy "if you keep doing that,you'll go blind"

"dad,i'm over here" the boy replies:P

ebsoria
05-05-2009, 01:57 PM
Kermit the Frog just died of swine flu... his last words- That ****ing pig said she was clean!!!

Sunbiz1
05-06-2009, 09:47 AM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I
was just wondering if you were my son.'

ebsoria
05-06-2009, 04:49 PM
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 lonely person is reading worthless posts on a message board.

You hang in there sunshine....... ;)

Peerless
05-06-2009, 05:06 PM
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 lonely person is reading worthless posts on a message board.

You hang in there sunshine....... ;)

Damnit....

But damn... that was good. :td:

ebsoria
05-06-2009, 06:01 PM
Damnit....

But damn... that was good. :td:

I read it in am email and got to the end and was like- "Damint!!" too. :laugh:

BroncoManiac_69
05-08-2009, 09:56 AM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along ....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day :-)

bucNasty
05-15-2009, 06:16 PM
Answer me this....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SITUATION:


You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Priz e winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.


===============================================

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....




























Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white

Sunbiz1
05-23-2009, 08:51 AM
> Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine
> spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked
> to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
> the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
> jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
> promptly called the local police station.
>
> The conversation went like this:
> "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I
> help you?"
>
> "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
> O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying
> dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send
> a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
>
> Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
> replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always
> my impression that you people took care of last
> rites!"
>
> There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
>
> Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly
> true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Sunbiz1
05-23-2009, 08:54 AM
Redneck Sex Education Class :


http://f578.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f35892%5fAFfsjkQAACHkRV423wJlU0%2f Pw4Y&pid=3&fid=Jokes&inline=1&stationery=1

Sunbiz1
05-24-2009, 09:09 AM
The Bishop and the Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

housemouse
05-24-2009, 09:24 AM
I hope you're not a vegetarian, 'cause you're about to eat my meat.


:P

Sunbiz1
05-24-2009, 09:39 AM
The Widow
A widow who owned a very large ranch was overwhelmed with the amount of work to perform, so she placed a help wanted ad in the local paper. Only 2 people responded, one was a drunk and the other was a gay guy. Figuring that the gay guy was safer to have around the house than the drunk, she hired him.

After several months, things were going extremely well around the ranch and her new employee was performing flawlessly. One Saturday, she suggested to the gay guy that he should go into town and "kick up his heels". So he did.

Later that evening, upon opening the front door...he found the widow sitting by the lit fireplace holding a glass of wine. The widow looked up at him and said:

"I would like for you to take off my shoes". Although feeling somewhat uncomfortable, the gay man complied. She then said, I would like for you to unbutton my blouse and take it off. Now the gay man is getting nervous, but he complied as he was in her employment. The widow then said, "take off my bra and panties". With trembling fingers, he removed her bra and panties.

The widow then looked up at him and said:



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, YOU'RE FIRED!!!!"

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

McSmashie
05-27-2009, 03:58 PM
I aint reading the whole thread to see if this was posted yet, so deal.... :D

Best pirate joke ever!


A pirate walks into a bar and has a ships steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks at him and says "Do you know you have a ships wheel in the front of your pants?"

The pirate says, "ARGH....Aye, its drivin' me nuts....."

BroncoManiac_69
06-01-2009, 01:13 PM
The ladies should enjoy this one. :laugh:



A little known fact...

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet in an NHL game was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

bucNasty
06-03-2009, 09:11 PM
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.



The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'


The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'



Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

*Atwater*
06-03-2009, 09:17 PM
A women sees here husband dying his chest Grey so she asks him what are you doing he replies I'm dying my chest hair so I can look older so I can get Social Security the wife then replies why don't you show them your d*** so you can disability too.

:laugh:

Sunbiz1
06-05-2009, 09:57 AM
Engineering in Hell


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."











Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Sunbiz1
06-08-2009, 09:47 AM
Marriage Made in Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies:






, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer

Sunbiz1
06-10-2009, 11:51 AM
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

BroncoManiac_69
06-25-2009, 10:17 AM
The Texan midget...

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

licence_to_kill
06-25-2009, 02:17 PM
Do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his trans-Atlantic crossings?



Because he was quartered on the "port side".


http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_UJXjve70XLg/SZLXDWIrB3I/AAAAAAAAAJM/GJqj8t4tGkI/s320/Buzz_(150_x_255).jpg

ebsoria
06-25-2009, 06:57 PM
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...."

broooks77
06-25-2009, 07:32 PM
Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to the party??

He had noBODY to go with!



(best Scrubs joke ever!):laugh:

osubroncos86
07-02-2009, 12:36 PM
A 12 yr old boy walks into a brothel with a string tied to a dead frog, he approaches the madam and says "excuse me maam, I would like to attain my manhood today" the madam says since it's his 1st time it will be on the house and asks if he has any special requests. The boy says he would like to get V.D. while he was there, the madam is shocked but regains her composure and asks him why in the world he would want such a thing and why he was carrying the dead frog.

The boy replies, "I want to get VD while I'm here, my babysitter is 15, when I get home I am going to give it to her. When Mom and Dad get home Dad will give the sitter a ride home and she'll give it to him. Dad, being the dog that he is, will come home and give it to Mom. Tomorrow morning Dad will leave for work, the milkman will come by, Mom will give it to the milkman, and that's the ******* that ran over my pet frog."

Bronco_Armada
07-17-2009, 01:38 PM
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?










































Chicken heard the ref was blowing fowls.