State Jokes

[BucsmissLynch]

Ok, Ok, This might be really lame, but my Dance coach told me this:


Q: What did Delaware??

A: a New Jersey.

[BucsmissLynch]

Originally posted by Broncs Bomber
Here are the "New State Slogans For Florida"



Florida: If you think we can't vote, wait 'till you see us drive!!


Florida: Home of electile dysfunction.


Florida: We count more than you do!


Florida: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit
one of the other 56 states!


Florida: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed!


Florida: Relax.......Retire......ReVote.


Florida: Viagra voters do it again!......and again.....and again.....


Florida: What comes after 17,336???


Florida: Where your vote counts........and counts.......and counts......



Florida: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us!!


Florida: We don't just cheat in football.


Florida: We're number one! Wait! Recount!


Also:

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice!

Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida!

All I have to say is: How Rude!!!!!!!!!!

[BucsmissLynch]

If this describes you than you were born to live in Alachua,FL

*You have several missing teeth.
*You sell moon shine
*You drive an old Pick up Truck
*The highlight of your day is to watch the Pop Warner football team practice.
*You think peolple that live in Gainesville are Big city Folks.
*You have hair down to your waste and tie it in one big pony tail.
*The water at your home is a brown-ish color.
*You have a billion tattos.
*your cloest neighbor is 5 miles away.


Basically what I am trying to say is if you are a Hick come to Alachua,FL.

[Broncs Bomber]

An American (from New Jersey), a Mexican and an
Iraqian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we
don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Iraqian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his
beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Jerseyan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer
and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

He says "In New Jersey we have so many Mexicans and
Iraqis, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice

[BucsmissLynch]

Alachua County in FL.


Hicks Wanted.

[orangenblue420]

Originally posted by Broncs Bomber
An American (from New Jersey), a Mexican and an
Iraqian are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we
don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Iraqian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his
beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Jerseyan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer
and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

He says "In New Jersey we have so many Mexicans and
Iraqis, that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

[Broncs Bomber]

This one is the test of whether you're a real New Jerseyan or not. If anyone would like me to explain any of these to you, let me know and I will.

*You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wadder", "cawfee", "dowg" and "wadever".
*You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from NY.
*You've been to the Meadowlands Fair.
*You've planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin Donuts.
*You do not think of citrus when people mention the "Oranges."
*You know that it's called "Great Adventure", not "Six Flags."
*You actually know bakeries that are not part of a supermarket, but are individual stores.
*You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
*You've gone to a diner after drinking all night.
*You've eaten at that diner at 3 am at least a dozen times.
*At least 3 people in your family still like Bruce Springsteen.
*"Anyone who makes bad pizza can bite me!"
*You always use at least 10 variation of "damn" while driving.
*You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
*You once said "It smells like New York in here."
*You can go bowling at 1:30 am (w/ automatic scoring).
*In high school, you knew someone who worked at a Friendly's or Stewart's.
*The Garden State Parkway does not freak you out at night.
*You know what a "jug handle" is.
*You have mandatory recycling - enforced by law.
*There are no self-serve gas stations -- and you like it that way.
*You have had sex on the beach (not the drink).
*You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
*The Jet/Giants game has started fights at your local bar.
*Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
*You can't understand why there aren't any 24 hour diners in the rest of the country.
*You live within 45 minutes of at least 3 different malls.
*Someone at the beach once called you a "benny."
*You can see the NYC skyline from some part of your town.
*You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
*You've played in a P.A.L. league.
*You liked the Jets, even before Bill Parcells.
*You know where to get a fresh Taylor ham, egg and cheese at 2 am.
*You don't take no crap from no one.
*You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
*At sometime you got on the wrong highway while trying to leave Willowbrook Mall.
*Z-100 used to be your favorite, now it's K-Rock.
*Anything less than 3 inches of snow isn't worth your time.
*Someone on the road cut you off and you used at least four swear words to tell them what you thought.
*You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
*You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals.
*You know what town Bon Jovi is from and can spell his real name.
*"Been there . . . been there . . . drove past that . . . shopped there once" -- your response to the opening credits of The Sopranos..
*You can toss 35 cents out of your driver's side window into a funnel of 12" diameter at 55 mph.
*Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights do make a left.
*Pizza isn't pizza if it doesn't flop in the front with grease dripping off the end.
*You are a safe driver in New Jersey, but deadly elsewhere.

[Broncs Bomber]

State mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes . Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A Friggin Motto? I Got Yer Friggin Motto -Right Here!

ALT: Road Closed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please note pronunciation --- Warshington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... And The Sheep Are Scared!

[Broncs Bomber]

Here are the "New State Slogans For Florida"



Florida: If you think we can't vote, wait 'till you see us drive!!


Florida: Home of electile dysfunction.


Florida: We count more than you do!


Florida: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit
one of the other 56 states!


Florida: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed!


Florida: Relax.......Retire......ReVote.


Florida: Viagra voters do it again!......and again.....and again.....


Florida: What comes after 17,336???


Florida: Where your vote counts........and counts.......and counts......



Florida: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us!!


Florida: We don't just cheat in football.


Florida: We're number one! Wait! Recount!


Also:

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice!

Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida!

[Broncs Bomber]

You know you're from California when...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are
visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a
house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people
carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a
nose ring, is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers
and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your
coffee beans are grown and can recognize Sumatra vs.
Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest
Arugula.

9. A really great parking space can move you to
tears.

10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

11. Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than
anywhere else in the US.

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and
crotchless chaps.You don't even notice.

13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks
wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like
George Clooney IS George Clooney.

14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.

15. The hairdresser is straight, the plumber is gay, the
mail woman is into BDSM and the Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.

16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news
station about "STORM WATCH 2000,"

17. You have to leave the big company meeting early
because Billy Blanks is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

18. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all = busy with their cell phones or pagers.

19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

20. You AND your dog have therapists.

[Broncs Bomber]

NJ Driving Rules

NJ driving rules to know!

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY, or Del plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

16. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

17. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

18.The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make New Jersey look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Trooper car parked in the median.

19. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
20. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

21. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

22. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

23. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

24. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

25. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards and new vehicle sales.

[Broncs Bomber]

Alabama Computer Terms

Backup
What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

Bar Code
Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

Bug
The reason you gave for calling in sick

Byte
What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro

Cache
Needed when you run out of food stamps

Chip
Pasture muffins you try not to step in

Terminal
Time to call the undertaker

Crash
When you go to Junior's party uninvited


Digital
The art of counting on your fingers

Diskette
Female Disco dancer

Fax
What you lie about to the IRS

Hacker
Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

Hardcopy
Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

Internet
Where cafeteria workers put their hair

Keyboard
Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

Mac
Big Bubba's favorite food


Megahertz
How your head feels after 17 beers

Modem
What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

Mouse Pad
Where Mickey and Minnie live

Network
Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

Online
Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM
Where the Pope lives

Screen
Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

Serial Port
A red wine you drink with breakfast


Superconductor
Amtrak's employee of the year

SCSI
What you call your week old underwear

[Broncs Bomber]

I cleaned up this thread. Because of the problems on the board yesterday, it was a mess.

[2 Minute Warning]

Some of those are realy funny and probably true:p

[mattos]

Re: State mottos

Originally posted by Broncs Bomber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

damn right. you can have the patriot act, we're getting out of here.