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  • Best Friend Is Turning Into a Loser

    I'm not his parent but it damn seems I should start yelling at him like one.

    Dude doesn't go to college nor can he keep a job. He BARELY passed high school two years ago by going to night school.

    Instead of saving his money up for something useful from his past job he spent it all on a big screen TV, PS3, and video games. All the people around him are enablers with his parents not giving a damn or doing anything and his girlfriend for some reason buys him everything which I can tell is the only reason he's with her.

    He still lives in his dads basement, plays video games ALL night, and goes to sleep at like 11 AM to wake up at 6 or 7 at night. It's like the stereotypical burnout who is addicted to video games.

    But what really pisses me off is that he's dragging my other buddy down by doing the same crap with him when the dude is about to start school again in the fall.

    My question is how am I suppose to confront him about this without shattering his ego? It really does piss me off that he's wasting away in his dad's basement and I honestly think he's going to be one of those 40 year old men that live with their parents still if he keeps this up.

  • #2
    Well, if it was me, I wouldn't worry about shattering his ego. If that's what it takes for him to realize he's wasting his life away then in the long run he'll thank you and you'll be better friends. Just my opinion though
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    • #3
      My question is how am I suppose to confront him about this without shattering his ego?
      You don't.

      It's really none of your business. I'm not sure how old he is, but it sounds like early 20s at the most. This isn't abnormal behavior. The guy had a job and he spent some money on things he wanted. Imagine that.

      he plays vids and has a girlfriend you don't think he cares that much about. Even if true, this too is not abnormal, especially at that age.

      He lives in his dad's basement. So what? I know a lot of people that lived with their parents until they either got married or got their masters degrees in their 30s. I know teachers that still live with their parents if they're not married. I know other people that do the same just to save money. My little sister is one of them, and she makes more money than my brother and I put together (and neither of us are starving either).

      There's nothing to "confront" here. If you don't care for his choices, distance yourself from him and from those choices, but they're his choices to make and he's not doing anything wrong.

      I think if you try to assert yourself here, you're going to create an awful lot of tension that is hard to get over, and for things that it's really no one's business but his own (or their own in the case of the girlfriend and the other friend).

      You can do it if you want, but if you were my little brother I'd tell you to let other people make their own choices. You worry about your choices.

      They're not hurting anyone and he's entitled to do what he's doing. When that changes, so will my stance.

      Right now however... I think you're asking for trouble that down the road, you'll see was mostly trouble of your own creation for things you should not have been raising dander over in the first place.



      It's always possible there's more to the story than what's present in the first post, but based on what's present... It's not a huge crisis and it's not your place. I'd let it go.

      PS: Your other friend isn't "being dragged down."

      He too, is making a choice. A choice he has every right to make.



      I really wouldn't confront anyone here. They're not doing anything wrong, and they have the right to do those things. It's also not at all unusual. Based on what's present in this thread, I don't even see where you think the problem actually is. Because a 20 year old kid would rather play games, make out with girls, and sleep late rather than go to classes? Really?

      No kiddin' huh? How very strange... "The Hell you say!"

      ::stare::




      I'd kind of look at why you felt it was a problem and why you felt it was your duty/right to intervene more than the behavior of your friends actually.

      If you were my little brother.

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      • #4
        Lol yeah don't b hatin cuz he got a nice tv and a girl that spoils him and doesn't have bills he's livin the life. He's young let him do him

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Alastor View Post
          You don't.

          It's really none of your business. I'm not sure how old he is, but it sounds like early 20s at the most. This isn't abnormal behavior. The guy had a job and he spent some money on things he wanted. Imagine that.

          he plays vids and has a girlfriend you don't think he cares that much about. Even if true, this too is not abnormal, especially at that age.

          He lives in his dad's basement. So what? I know a lot of people that lived with their parents until they either got married or got their masters degrees in their 30s. I know teachers that still live with their parents if they're not married. I know other people that do the same just to save money. My little sister is one of them, and she makes more money than my brother and I put together (and neither of us are starving either).

          There's nothing to "confront" here. If you don't care for his choices, distance yourself from him and from those choices, but they're his choices to make and he's not doing anything wrong.

          I think if you try to assert yourself here, you're going to create an awful lot of tension that is hard to get over, and for things that it's really no one's business but his own (or their own in the case of the girlfriend and the other friend).

          You can do it if you want, but if you were my little brother I'd tell you to let other people make their own choices. You worry about your choices.

          They're not hurting anyone and he's entitled to do what he's doing. When that changes, so will my stance.

          Right now however... I think you're asking for trouble that down the road, you'll see was mostly trouble of your own creation for things you should not have been raising dander over in the first place.
          I figured confronting him would be a bad idea but there really is no redeeming qualities in continuing this lifestyle for him imo.

          What you say about the people you know living with their parents seems to be an extremely different situation then this one though. The guy worked at Dell Taco for a month and a half before slacking off and being late (from video games) which got him fired.

          I know it's not my business to tell him what he has to do and not but I really do care about him seeing that he's one of my best friends. Eh at least I got to vent a little. It made me feel better.

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          • #6
            Just take jabs at him at opportune times. He'd realize that what he's doing is dumb and slowly grow out... theres no way somethings just gonna click one day and he's gonna stop being a turd.


            I did the same with my cousin who played video games all day and didn't do his hw... now he doesn't play video games at all lol.. which I didn't want but i'll settle for that.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx View Post
              I'm not his parent but it damn seems I should start yelling at him like one.

              Dude doesn't go to college nor can he keep a job. He BARELY passed high school two years ago by going to night school.

              Instead of saving his money up for something useful from his past job he spent it all on a big screen TV, PS3, and video games. All the people around him are enablers with his parents not giving a damn or doing anything and his girlfriend for some reason buys him everything which I can tell is the only reason he's with her.

              He still lives in his dads basement, plays video games ALL night, and goes to sleep at like 11 AM to wake up at 6 or 7 at night. It's like the stereotypical burnout who is addicted to video games.

              But what really pisses me off is that he's dragging my other buddy down by doing the same crap with him when the dude is about to start school again in the fall.

              My question is how am I suppose to confront him about this without shattering his ego? It really does piss me off that he's wasting away in his dad's basement and I honestly think he's going to be one of those 40 year old men that live with their parents still if he keeps this up.
              Sounds like he needs a purpose. If I were you, I would find a way to convince him to get out of the house for starters. Get him active. Find out what he's passionate about. What he's really passionate about, and not some BS answer he might give just to get you off of his case. When you figure that out, it's just a matter him going after it 100%. Giving him a reason not to sit in his dad's house playing video games might go over better than forcing him to realize that he's dropping the ball. He already knows that he's on cruise control. Maybe he just needs a reason not to be. At the least, if he goes out and experiences new things, he might find that life can be as rewarding as a video game. He's lucky to have a friend like you.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by 12and4 View Post
                Just take jabs at him at opportune times. He'd realize that what he's doing is dumb and slowly grow out... theres no way somethings just gonna click one day and he's gonna stop being a turd.


                I did the same with my cousin who played video games all day and didn't do his hw... now he doesn't play video games at all lol.. which I didn't want but i'll settle for that.
                We need a magic button we can click for that...

                Or maybe I'll just call my State Farm agent..

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Alastor View Post
                  You don't.

                  It's really none of your business. I'm not sure how old he is, but it sounds like early 20s at the most. This isn't abnormal behavior. The guy had a job and he spent some money on things he wanted. Imagine that.

                  he plays vids and has a girlfriend you don't think he cares that much about. Even if true, this too is not abnormal, especially at that age.

                  He lives in his dad's basement. So what? I know a lot of people that lived with their parents until they either got married or got their masters degrees in their 30s. I know teachers that still live with their parents if they're not married. I know other people that do the same just to save money. My little sister is one of them, and she makes more money than my brother and I put together (and neither of us are starving either).

                  There's nothing to "confront" here. If you don't care for his choices, distance yourself from him and from those choices, but they're his choices to make and he's not doing anything wrong.

                  I think if you try to assert yourself here, you're going to create an awful lot of tension that is hard to get over, and for things that it's really no one's business but his own (or their own in the case of the girlfriend and the other friend).

                  You can do it if you want, but if you were my little brother I'd tell you to let other people make their own choices. You worry about your choices.

                  They're not hurting anyone and he's entitled to do what he's doing. When that changes, so will my stance.

                  Right now however... I think you're asking for trouble that down the road, you'll see was mostly trouble of your own creation for things you should not have been raising dander over in the first place.



                  It's always possible there's more to the story than what's present in the first post, but based on what's present... It's not a huge crisis and it's not your place. I'd let it go.

                  PS: Your other friend isn't "being dragged down."

                  He too, is making a choice. A choice he has every right to make.



                  I really wouldn't confront anyone here. They're not doing anything wrong, and they have the right to do those things. It's also not at all unusual. Based on what's present in this thread, I don't even see where you think the problem actually is. Because a 20 year old kid would rather play games, make out with girls, and sleep late rather than go to classes? Really?

                  No kiddin' huh? How very strange... "The Hell you say!"

                  ::stare::




                  I'd kind of look at why you felt it was a problem and why you felt it was your duty/right to intervene more than the behavior of your friends actually.

                  If you were my little brother.
                  And from Alastor's perspective, he has a good point. He is young, and this is not abnormal behavior. I understand what you are trying to do though. You don't want to see him living this way ten years down the road.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Spice 1 View Post
                    Sounds like he needs a purpose. If I were you, I would find a way to convince him to get out of the house for starters. Get him active. Find out what he's passionate about. What he's really passionate about, and not some BS answer he might give just to get you off of his case. When you figure that out, it's just a matter him going after it 100%. Giving him a reason not to sit in his dad's house playing video games might go over better than forcing him to realize that he's dropping the ball. He already knows that he's on cruise control. Maybe he just needs a reason not to be. At the least, if he goes out and experiences new things, he might find that life can be as rewarding as a video game. He's lucky to have a friend like you.
                    Finding a purpose might be the toughest part. He definitely has no interest in anymore school because I've badgered him to no end about going to college to no avail. There really is no interesting jobs he can get either so I don't know.

                    I can see Al's point of view to of not confronting him about this but then what happens if he is still like that in 10 years? Oi.

                    I don't know. So I'll just leave it at that.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx View Post
                      Finding a purpose might be the toughest part. He definitely has no interest in anymore school because I've badgered him to no end about going to college to no avail. There really is no interesting jobs he can get either so I don't know.

                      I can see Al's point of view to of not confronting him about this but then what happens if he is still like that in 10 years? Oi.

                      I don't know. So I'll just leave it at that.
                      He could always join the Corps. That'll light a fire under his a$$.



                      Think of it as "Call of Duty", only way harder.

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                      • #12
                        This is long, but I do hope you read it and at least think it over.

                        Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx View Post
                        I figured confronting him would be a bad idea but there really is no redeeming qualities in continuing this lifestyle for him imo.
                        I just ran to the store to get some stuff. While I did I was thinking about this post.

                        I noticed some things from the first post right off the bat, but it took me a minute or two to articulate them in my brain to myself.

                        First, there's no evidence of drugs here. There's no evidence of crime here. There's no evidence of anyone's life falling apart, nor even any evidence that your friend is actually doing harm to anyone's life, including his own.

                        All we have is that he's not in school and he bought a PS3 that he plays a lot.

                        In other words, "He's not like me."

                        That's what I got out of this.


                        Again, if you were my little brother, I'd ask what you think a young man of maybe 20 years old ought to be doing. I was in the military by this age, had a security clearance, and had already gathered several medals. Then again, I was an anal-retentive, pompous, arrogant, self-righteous turd that was (and remains) rather full of himself.

                        I still didn't see an issue when other people chose to sit on their asses. Actually I appreciated it because it meant there were less people for me to compete with for jobs and chicks.

                        I realized that was the way I was, but I also realized that's not how everyone is programmed.

                        You... Paint a very different picture than the perspective I had however. I'm curious what your belief system is, how it shapes your outlook on things, where it comes from, and why you think a 20 year-old (if that) kid sitting on his butt playing video games is a bad thing. I mean he even has a job.

                        Something tells me it's very possible you were raised with a VERY different expectation. Not just that you think this is a bad thing, but that you also think it's a bit of a crisis that another friend might also be engaging in some of it, and that you're thinking you need to intervene.

                        It could be that this is not just being raised differently, that's being raised very differently - where you somewhere along the line had it bashed into you so strongly that it's not okay, that you actually see it as a major crisis.

                        I'd be asking all kinds of questions about that if we were sitting face to face.

                        After you told me what you felt a 20 year-old ought to be doing, where it came from, why what your friend is doing is not okay, and so on - after we were done tracing down the roots of where your feelings come from - I would have to move on to my next big question.

                        "And why does this seem to be so threatening to you?"

                        Based on what's present in the OP and your responses here so far, xX-Bronco-Xx, I can't help but think that it's entirely possible that you were raised in a house where the expectations were very different, and one where you were trained that you had obligations that are firm and that are incredibly important, right here, right now.

                        Part of me wonders if that's the case.

                        Another part of me wonders... If that is indeed the case, are you possibly looking at what your friend is doing, and feeling either threatened, jealous, or cheated because he seems to be able to do this, and you can't?

                        I'm just wondering mind you. I don't know enough information and I certainly don't have all the details, but the thought did enter my mind. I wonder if it's possible where you were raised in an environment where you felt an immense amount of obligation right from the get-go about getting out, getting a job and going to college right away and being successful the moment you walked out the door.

                        I wonder then, if seeing your friend take a different approach doesn't make you either jealous, or afraid that you'll start doing it yourself.


                        Honest to God, those are the questions that sprang to my mind. At this stage, I think they're good questions for you to answer privately, if not on this message board.

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                        • #13
                          Tell him honestly.
                          Ask me about My Jesus and how to have a relationship with Him.

                          Red Sox Mafia RLF4 Life! Boston 617 Strong!
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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Spice 1 View Post
                            Think of it as "Call of Duty", only way harder.
                            I wonder what his KD would be

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                            • #15
                              Some people just take a long time to come around. And then yet again, some never come around. Thing is your bro is going to do his thing no matter what you tell him.

                              Coolest thing about growing up is autonomy. If you want to become a loser, you have every right to.

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