Disrespectful Kids

[moonshot314]

thank you.. everything is great!

[moonshot314]

good post bcollin1.. and you are very right.. and everything was discussed this weekend and everything went extremely well. i was rather shocked it went so well.. rules and guidelines have been set and i even suggested the advice to her that was given by i believe jared.. the thing about reading to the child in her own bed until she goes to sleep so she feels safe.. i just stated my opinion that at times i think she isnt stern enough .. she said she didnt want to be mean and i told her its not about being mean its about being an example and she agreed... but she also says its easier to be stern with someone backing her up and supporting her since shes always done it alone... so at this point everything seems to be great..

[moonshot314]

well spending the nite makes it easier cuz i currently live bout 35 minutes away from her.. so if i go and dont stay im not there as long and the drive time sucks.. i do agree with you on the allowing for dating thing cuz recently she actually commented on the fact that wiht me being around she didnt feel like she had to try as hard to make time for me becuz i was helping her out and she got to see me in her normal everyday life.. she wasnt meaning that selfishly i know this by her facial expressions and tone of voice.. but it did kind of freak me out

[Jared]

Originally posted by moonshot314
haha jared thank you .. you just indirectly mapped out my discussion with her tonite.. the way you worded your post gave me the perfect idea of how to bring it up without offending.. im just goin to start off by askin how much of my input on the child she wants and what she expects to do with my opinion when i give it to her.. thanks jared

Thanks. I think...

(WIth my luck, my ideas will end up causing a break up...hahaha)

Regardless of how you word it, you do seem concerend and confused as to your role in the life of the child. Asking about that is fair. If she can't handle you asking that or gets defensive, maybe you need to consider if the relationship is worth it. I mean, all you want is clarification.

Also, and this is harsh since I don't know you, but have you considered not always spending the night? Not because you are punishing her or anything, but because clearly, this is affecting your sleeping pattern, and also, you are clearly concerned about whether or not you are a father figure to this child. ANd the child may be confused about that too.

Plus, it would allow for actual dating. She would have to actually make time to spend with you because you wouldn't be around all the time. She would have to make arrangments to see you outside of her apartment. Or at least, after a certain point fo the night.

[moonshot314]

I agree with you that moonshot needs to have a talk about this relationship with her and also needs to ask her how much input she wants or expects from him reagrding the child. Especially if he is considering staying around in the long term or getting married. Once those rules are set, things will go much smoother. Understanding the mutual rules and expectations of a relationship is so important, because it can minimize mis-understandings or assumptions.

haha jared thank you .. you just indirectly mapped out my discussion with her tonite.. the way you worded your post gave me the perfect idea of how to bring it up without offending.. im just goin to start off by askin how much of my input on the child she wants and what she expects to do with my opinion when i give it to her.. thanks jared

[Jared]

Originally posted by orangenblue420


I had to giggle at what Jared wrote (please no offense jared) because it is so typical male, not in a bad way. My ex would sleep through WWIII so letting the baby cry wasnt a big deal to him cause he slept through it, but it was a HUGE deal for me cause I wake up if the kids sniffle.....and when I had my daughter I was still living with my mom and dad and when my daughter got to be around 6 mths and still wasnt sleeping through the night, my mom forced me to let her cry one night...my mom is a firm believer in this, and I tried and tried but eventually broke down...she never slept in my bed (other than for the special reasons) though, even though neither of my kids slept through the night until they got to be toddlers, so it was tough but I also knew it was no ones fault but mine.

I guess what Im trying to say, is its easier said than done. You think that you can tough it out but when you hear your child screaming and gasping etc, it breaks your heart, so I feel for her but at two its gotta stop, esp, in public.

Well, giggle all you want, but your mom was right. And I learned this from watching my mom, so I don't know that it is male exclusive behavior. And hearing a child cry doesn't break my heart. I accept it as normal. I can focus it out and ignore it. That's what I did with my youngest sister growing up. I was a bad babysitter I guess. Basically, the kids don't differentiate between public and private behavior, so what happens at home is very important.

I agree with you that moonshot needs to have a talk about this relationship with her and also needs to ask her how much input she wants or expects from him reagrding the child. Especially if he is considering staying around in the long term or getting married. Once those rules are set, things will go much smoother. Understanding the mutual rules and expectations of a relationship is so important, because it can minimize mis-understandings or assumptions.

[moonshot314]

Now I dont want you to be a pushover with your lady, you need to have this discussion with her, dont make me come up their and whooop your ass

lol dont you owe me a kiss from a different thread as well? i wont be a pushover believe me.. i just hope she doesnt get ideas from it and start pushing me away thinking im goin to be some kind of ass... i enjoy time with the kid too.. but i need time alone with her as well..

[orangenblue420]

Originally posted by moonshot314
another question tho.. does this come from being a single mom or is it just her?

Well it sounds like both in her case. For me its easier to stick to the discipline if I have someone backing me up, not to mention someone to answer to if I were to cave....but being a single mom, I know its hard to divide yourself into the disciplinarian and the loving doating parent. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell, so I oversompensate by giving them just about everything they ask for, even though I know I shouldnt. For me, I have not found the happy medium and dont know if I will (but I only have a few years left then I can kick their asses oout when they piss me off....LOL JUST KIDDING!!!). I tend to be a pushover by nature (hard to believe I know, Im just a pushover with a big mouth....LOL)

What you need to try and explain to her is that you understand where she is coming from and how its hard for her, but let her know that in the long run it will be better for everyone if she gets a little stearner with the child, and let her know that if she is having trouble with that, that you have her back.

Now I dont want you to be a pushover with your lady, you need to have this discussion with her, dont make me come up their and whooop your ass

[moonshot314]

but seriously, dude, this lady is going way overboard.....she is going to ruin that child, and this is coming from experience....the hardest thing for me to do is discipline my kids....so it was great when me and my ex were together but it has become so much more difficult since becoming a single mom.

another question tho.. does this come from being a single mom or is it just her?

[moonshot314]

Moonshot the more I hear, i cant help but think GET AWAY - FAR FAR AWAY - LOL,

LOL i cant help but think the same thing.. but thats another easier said than done thing.. on that note i think its time i work up some courage and bring some things up .. if she gets pissed off and offended then i guess thats how its got to be cuz i cant go on silently being pissed off about things.. shes got to find within herself the strength to put the love aside and be stern for the good of the child, her and me.. and if shes not prepared to do that then ultimately its going to cost her and the child.. cuz to be honest with you i dont think there are too many men out there would (or should) have to deal with that

[moonshot314]

Just old folks with things in common....

haha im only 22 but im getting a crash course on life.. ive never really had an ounce of responsibility to anyone but myself so its all new territory to me.. thats why im trying to be as understanding as i possibly can and i think long and hard about things before i say them.. its all making me feel old cuz im still a child at heart.. my perfect day is still being on the playground playin basketball or football and just running around not caring..

but thank you so much for things you have said and to jared as well.. there are no words to show my appreciation for the advice you two have given me on a subject in which an immature ( i say immature cuz i still think (and sometimes act) like im 14 or 15) 22 year old knows absolutely nothing about..

[orangenblue420]

Moonshot the more I hear, i cant help but think GET AWAY - FAR FAR AWAY - LOL,

but seriously, dude, this lady is going way overboard.....she is going to ruin that child, and this is coming from experience....the hardest thing for me to do is discipline my kids....so it was great when me and my ex were together but it has become so much more difficult since becoming a single mom.

I had to giggle at what Jared wrote (please no offense jared) because it is so typical male, not in a bad way. My ex would sleep through WWIII so letting the baby cry wasnt a big deal to him cause he slept through it, but it was a HUGE deal for me cause I wake up if the kids sniffle.....and when I had my daughter I was still living with my mom and dad and when my daughter got to be around 6 mths and still wasnt sleeping through the night, my mom forced me to let her cry one night...my mom is a firm believer in this, and I tried and tried but eventually broke down...she never slept in my bed (other than for the special reasons) though, even though neither of my kids slept through the night until they got to be toddlers, so it was tough but I also knew it was no ones fault but mine.

I guess what Im trying to say, is its easier said than done. You think that you can tough it out but when you hear your child screaming and gasping etc, it breaks your heart, so I feel for her but at two its gotta stop, esp, in public. Neither of my kids were tantrum throwers cause they know my limit, they know they can push me farther than most, but they also know that I do have a breaking point. This woman of yours moonshot, has no limit, she tolerates everything and thats the BIG difference. I never ever would have tolerated a tantrum in public, and would not have cared what people thought around me when i put a stop to it, they need to mind their own damn business.

You really, really need to lay down some ground rules and fast......you DO have a say in this relationship and the way this child gets raised if you are going to be a part of their life.

This needs to start with the mom, you two need to do some major discussing on this whole discipline subject and you having a say.

Good luck man

[pikman]

Originally posted by moonshot314
kinda funny how right now were no longer chiefs and broncos here...

Just old folks with things in common....

how'd this happen?

Moonshot I hope that the suggestions you are getting in this thread can help. Just one more bit of advice (warranted or not). At the end of the day you and your girlfriend have to get on the same page and do what you feel in your hearts to be right. This will pass, and then it'll keep getting better.

I.e. teenage issues AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, I can hardly wait for that.

[moonshot314]

kinda funny how right now were no longer chiefs and broncos here...

[moonshot314]

she reads to her but not in bed.. and she also doesnt have a set bedtime for the child and that is something i think she should have.. she just kinda lets her stay up until she decides she wants to go to bed which to me i think will cause conflict later cuz the child already does what she pleases for the most part.. im with you jared.. if the child is fed and dry there is no reason to pamper her in the nite.. yes she will cry but she will eventually cry herself to sleep like i did and most children do.. only thing is is its not like she lays in her bed adn cries she will just walk in the room.. im all for locking the door and making her get used to the fact she cant sleep with us.. but the one time we locked the door the insuing fit was horrendous and she caved in and opened the door.. as soon as the door swung open it was all smiles and i got pissed and went to sleep.. she wanted nothing more to be in bed with us and yet again she got her way ... i was mad cuz as soon as i saw the smile i knew the fit was just to get the door open rather than her needing something..

yes the fact that it isnt my child makes it tougher because there are some things that i dont know whether i have the right to say anything or not.. for the longest time i didnt think i had the right to say anything about the child sleeping with us.. thats why i asked on here.. (haha this is probly hardly the place to be seeking advice on things like this lol) and altho i have never been present when it happens i do know the child has a tendancy to have some caniption fits in public just to get her way.. she doesnt like attention so shell often give in to the child to curb the screaming in public.. if i was ever around that i would be the one saying i dont care let her scream shell get over it we cant just give in to her cuz she wants to throw a fit and make a scene.. but i dont know if i have the right to say that either.. does she want my opinion or will she resent me if i give my opinion? that is the question i ask myself everyday