Jokes

[Skywalker]

the other jokes thread died so I'll start a new one...


There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the
benches, rings. A man picks it up and here is the conversation:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes,"
"Great! I'm at the mall and I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is
absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."
"And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. There's one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a great price and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you for?"
"Only $60,000."
"OK, but for that price I want all the options."
"Oh, honey, that's wonderful! Before we hang up, there's one
more thing."
"What is it?"
"I went to see the real estate agent this morning and saw the
house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!. Remember? The
one with a pool, English garden, acre of parking area,
beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Just $450,000. It's a magnificent price and I see that we have
just enough money in the bank to buy it."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!"
"Bye. I love you, too."

The man hangs up the phone and holds it up asking, "Does anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"

[T140]

(Warning: Blonde Joke)
Three escapees from prison are running from the cops. One blonde and two brunettes.
They run into a barn and hide in a pile of potato sacks.
The cops catch up to them and one cop pokes the bag...
The brunette hiding near the bag barks. "it's okay, it's jsut a dog" says the other cop. The cop pokes another bag with his foot. It meows, "it's just a cat" says his partner.
He pokes the next bag and it says, (this is the blonde) "potato!"


... hilarious!

[broncolitis]

three couples are sitting around a table the first husband turns to his wife and says pass the sugar, sugar. the second one says pass the honey huney the third one says pass the tea BAG

[broncolitis]

This guy walks into an Ice cream shop that has 1001 flavors. He becomes so overwhelmed that he simply asks for vanilla the casheer hands him a cone of gray hairy Ice Cream so he takes a lick, spits it out, and says what is this I wanted vanilla! The casheer says Oh!!! vanilla I thought you said gorrila

[broncolitis]

why don't seaguls fly over the bay?

Because that would make them bayguls

[broncolitis]

A man with no arms is trying to find a job. He sees a sign on a church "bell ringer needed" so he gos to the preacher and asks if he can have the job. The preacher says "but you don't have any arms!" "Oh thats alright just take me up on the roof." Replies the man so they go up on the roof and backs up to the edge of the roof runs and slams his face into the bell! the tone is perfect but the man falls off the roof!! The ambulance arrives and the man is pronounced dead. the peramedic asks if anyone knows the man the preacher replise "no but his face sure rings a bell."

[alan]

why does an irish man wear two condoms-to be sure,to be sure

[broncolitis]

A man with a Chijuajua and a man with a Rotwieler both pull into a vet's shop the man with the Rotwieler go's in first the man with the Chijuajua follows once the man with the Chijuajua turns to the man with the Rotwieler and says "I think my dog just killed yours" the 1st man says yeah how did he do that" man #2 responds "I think he got stuck in his throat."

[2 Minute Warning]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his BLONDE
girlfriend
to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their
team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing
each other over 25 cents."


Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get
the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[Jaws]

Cloned Sheep

What did the Cloned Sheep say to the other sheep?

I am ewe.

[broncolitis]

Abbot "when I said that it was gone with the wind I was using a metaphor."

Costello " what wind?"

Abott " no! no! no! I meant like never the twain shall meet!!!"

Costello " what train?"

Abott "sigh" The twian on twack twee"

[dsplcedbrncofan]

Why men should not take messages!!

A woman returned home from work and saw the following note from her husband:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.they said the Pabst beer is fine"

P.S I thought you didn't like beer

[Superchop7]

I have a world class e-mail, a bit dirty for this, send me a private and I'll send it to you, funny as hell. (bad words, no pics)

[steviebee]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't
get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress" she whispered, sensually...

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Reidman]

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised! to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."