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The Battle of Trafalgar (Funny)

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  • The Battle of Trafalgar (Funny)

    200 years ago today, one of the greatest naval battles ever took place, between the Royal Navy, commanded by Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson & a combined French and Spanish fleet commanded by French Vice-Admiral Pierre-Charles Villeneuve.

    Below is a look at how the battle may have gone, if Nelson had had to deal with today's Political Correctness and Health & Safety Rules. Enjoy

    “Order the signal, Hardy”.

    “Aye, aye, Sir”.

    “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

    “Sorry Sir?”

    “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”

    “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

    “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

    “Sorry, Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”

    “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

    “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

    “Good Heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead!”

    “I think you’ll find there’s a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water, Sir.”

    “Damn it, man! We are on the eve of the greatest naval battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the Crow’s Nest, please.”
    “That won’t be possible, Sir.”

    “WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    “Health & safety have closed the Crow’s Nest, Sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn’t meet the regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

    “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”

    “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, Admiral.”

    “Wheelchair access?! I’ve never heard anything so absurd!!”

    “Health & Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled”

    “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm, and one eye and I refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.”

    "Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

    “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

    “A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health & Safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the memo.”

    “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

    “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

    “WHAT???? This is mutiny!”

    “It’s not that, Sir. It’s just they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

    “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

    “Actually, Sir, we’re not.”

    “We’re not?”

    “No, Sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

    “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil himself!”

    “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, Sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”

    “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”

    “Not anymore, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules.”

    “Don’t tell me – Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

    “As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

    “What about sodomy?”

    “I believe it’s to be encouraged, Sir.”

    “In that case, Kiss Me, Hardy.”
    The Whiskyteers ~ One for all, and all for MORE!!!!

    Broncomania Best Foreign Poster
    BFC.........D Will #27.............D Nash #29
    You'll Never Walk Alone




    Spiffing sig, MasterShake :cheers:

    You know, in certain older civilized cultures, when men failed as entirely as you have, they would throw themselves on their swords ~ The Operative, Serenity

    Maybe Slowick should pay attention

  • #2
    No matter how many times i read that it cracks me up.
    As a serious bit though, did you know? that HMS Victory, Nelsons ship, is the oldest "still" commissioned ship on the planet? While these days its purely honorary techincally its still an active military ship. And before anyone brings it up, The USS Constitution in Boston is the oldest "floating" commissioned ship, in Boston. Victory 1778. USS Constitution 1797.
    "On a given day, a given circumstance, you think you have a limit. And you then go for this limit and you touch this limit, and you think, 'Okay, this is the limit'. And so you touch this limit, something happens and you suddenly can go a little bit further. With your mind power, your determination, your instinct, and the experience as well, you can fly very high."
    Ayrton Senna..

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by y2cragie
      No matter how many times i read that it cracks me up.
      As a serious bit though, did you know? that HMS Victory, Nelsons ship, is the oldest "still" commissioned ship on the planet? While these days its purely honorary techincally its still an active military ship. And before anyone brings it up, The USS Constitution in Boston is the oldest "floating" commissioned ship, in Boston. Victory 1778. USS Constitution 1797.
      I've got to admit I knew she was still commissioned, , but I'd have been guessing that she was the oldest. Have you been around her? Its incredible that nearly a thousand men served aboard her.
      The Whiskyteers ~ One for all, and all for MORE!!!!

      Broncomania Best Foreign Poster
      BFC.........D Will #27.............D Nash #29
      You'll Never Walk Alone




      Spiffing sig, MasterShake :cheers:

      You know, in certain older civilized cultures, when men failed as entirely as you have, they would throw themselves on their swords ~ The Operative, Serenity

      Maybe Slowick should pay attention

      Comment


      • #4
        That's dang funny!

        Gotta love politics.

        Comment


        • #5
          heh, nice one

          Aaah, Admiral Lord Collingwood, he kept munching apples and throwing the cores at the French ships
          sigpic

          Elvon Millervil eat grues for breakfast.

          Pey-Pey to Bey-Bey for the Tey-Dey.

          Comment


          • #6
            Wow, a coincidence: we were studying the Euro-front during those times and this battle (in which England won the seas) was apart of it.


            "When Kepler found his long-cherished belief did not agree with the most precise observation, he accepted the uncomfortable fact. He preferred the hard truth to his dearest illusions; that is the heart of science."
            - Carl Sagan

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by NameUsedBefore
              Wow, a coincidence: we were studying the Euro-front during those times and this battle (in which England won the seas) was apart of it.
              Have a go at the battle yourself here (plus loads of historical and political BBC articles on the era)

              Re-fight Trafalgar

              Enjoy
              The Whiskyteers ~ One for all, and all for MORE!!!!

              Broncomania Best Foreign Poster
              BFC.........D Will #27.............D Nash #29
              You'll Never Walk Alone




              Spiffing sig, MasterShake :cheers:

              You know, in certain older civilized cultures, when men failed as entirely as you have, they would throw themselves on their swords ~ The Operative, Serenity

              Maybe Slowick should pay attention

              Comment


              • #8
                I've just been watching a program on Trafalgar, and they showed HMS Victory firing a broadside on Friday night, Damn if that wouldn't be a scary sight if she was pointing at you !
                The Whiskyteers ~ One for all, and all for MORE!!!!

                Broncomania Best Foreign Poster
                BFC.........D Will #27.............D Nash #29
                You'll Never Walk Alone




                Spiffing sig, MasterShake :cheers:

                You know, in certain older civilized cultures, when men failed as entirely as you have, they would throw themselves on their swords ~ The Operative, Serenity

                Maybe Slowick should pay attention

                Comment


                • #9
                  True, especially when you're French and can't run away...sorry frenchfan!
                  sigpic

                  Elvon Millervil eat grues for breakfast.

                  Pey-Pey to Bey-Bey for the Tey-Dey.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    War in general has to be scary.

                    A movie like Saving Private Ryan always makes me be very grateful that I have not (or yet to) experience such travesties.


                    "When Kepler found his long-cherished belief did not agree with the most precise observation, he accepted the uncomfortable fact. He preferred the hard truth to his dearest illusions; that is the heart of science."
                    - Carl Sagan

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by muse
                      True, especially when you're French and can't run away...sorry frenchfan!
                      No offense, it was a long time ago... Relationship between us has changed now (for most part ... We still enjoy to beat you at rugby or soccer)...

                      To be honest, that was a great victory for England... You were underdogs but you won... Good job...

                      ps : muse, just bring your a$$ here and we'll talk about that !!! (j/k)ROFL...
                      Just talk slowly please... I'm French

                      GO BRONCOS


                      (Sig made by Snk16)


                      (thousands of bisous for Thundergirl, une fille du tonnerre !!!)

                      My adoptee-a-fan are THE GIRLIES :kiss:

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