Soul Mates?

[WhoDeyBengals]

Your post confuses me a little bit...you say it's all about finding a good enough fit, but then go on to say that you should never settle. I don't believe it's about finding a good enough fit, it's about finding a good fit...otherwise you're saying that your partner is "good enough", which sounds suspiciously like settling to me. Maybe I interpreted this wrong?

I probably could have worded that better. What I mean by this is that no matter who you may find yourself involved with, you will inevitably find some personality flaws or things about your partner that you will dislike on some level or another. By "good enough," I mean find a partner who has more than enough pros to outweigh any cons that you might see in them. And by "never settle," I mean that it's not good to accept mediocrity if you sincerely believe that there is someone out there who's a better fit for you than the person you're with. I know that it sounds like I treat my women like computer software, because it sounds like I'll always take the upgrade over the old version, but you're talking to a guy that will play Castle Wolfenstein on occassion because I loves it so.

[WhoDeyBengals]

Thanks, guys, I was just curious what everyone else's take on this was. I used to believe in soul mates, but after being burned pretty badly once or twice, have come to look at it a little differently. Similar to some of you, I guess I believe that there are many people out there I could be compatible with, and once you find them, it's work from there to turn it into a real relationship.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone who makes me say, like some of you "I married my soul-mate"... Until then, I guess it's just easier to think of there being more than one option out there... less hopeless, I guess, and not so one-in-a-million, don't blink and miss them kind of things.

And thanks, WhoDey... never settle. Sometimes I need to remember that, too.

Any time. It's just what I've learned from my own experiences. It's no good to stay in a relationship if you sincerely believe that you're giving something up by staying with a partner.

[Big Buck 1981]

Any time. It's just what I've learned from my own experiences. It's no good to stay in a relationship if you sincerely believe that you're giving something up by staying with a partner.

Probably the single most important thing my Pastor told me in pre-marital counseling...NEVER COMPROMISE.

A compromise, by definition, involves concessions by both partners. When a couple comes to a compromise, inevitably both of the partners will feel like they had to give something up to make the other happy, and by giving things up, they become less happy with the relationship...as they feel they are losing. Losing what? Freedom, opportunity, power, etc. A compromise results in two losers, when the preferred solution is two winners. When both people win, both will end up happy with the outcome, and happy outcomes build stronger relationships.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you have to sacrifice to make the other happy, then you should do both you and your partner a favor, and end the relationship. If your partner cannot accept you as you are, that is not the person you want to be with. You should be with a person who loves you and respects you as you are, not as the person they want you to be.

[WhoDeyBengals]

Probably the single most important thing my Pastor told me in pre-marital counseling...NEVER COMPROMISE.

A compromise, by definition, involves concessions by both partners. When a couple comes to a compromise, inevitably both of the partners will feel like they had to give something up to make the other happy, and by giving things up, they become less happy with the relationship...as they feel they are losing. Losing what? Freedom, opportunity, power, etc. A compromise results in two losers, when the preferred solution is two winners. When both people win, both will end up happy with the outcome, and happy outcomes build stronger relationships.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you have to sacrifice to make the other happy, then you should do both you and your partner a favor, and end the relationship. If your partner cannot accept you as you are, that is not the person you want to be with. You should be with a person who loves you and respects you as you are, not as the person they want you to be.

I thought that we agreed never to agree on anything again, Big Buck. You're breaking the code.

[BroncFanIN]

Probably the single most important thing my Pastor told me in pre-marital counseling...NEVER COMPROMISE.

A compromise, by definition, involves concessions by both partners. When a couple comes to a compromise, inevitably both of the partners will feel like they had to give something up to make the other happy, and by giving things up, they become less happy with the relationship...as they feel they are losing. Losing what? Freedom, opportunity, power, etc. A compromise results in two losers, when the preferred solution is two winners. When both people win, both will end up happy with the outcome, and happy outcomes build stronger relationships.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you have to sacrifice to make the other happy, then you should do both you and your partner a favor, and end the relationship. If your partner cannot accept you as you are, that is not the person you want to be with. You should be with a person who loves you and respects you as you are, not as the person they want you to be.

Really? I look at compromise as an essential part of keeping a marriage going stroing. Being un-yielding in all things is not good either. Because one person always loses and one person always wins. Thats not good.
But I dont look at compromise as "losing" something. I'm still mostly getting what I want/need. I want my partner to be happy-and he wants me to be happy. So we find a happy medium, which usually consitutes a compromise of some sort.
I also found out that sometimes you need to take big risks. I moved from Colorado-26 years, my whole family lives there-to Indiana to be with a man that I wasnt yet married to. (I am now.) It was a giant leap of faith-in myself, in my future husband-to make such a move.
It was a risk well worth taking. We compromise-discuss-all the time. Nothing is too small or too large to debate. And the amazing thing? We never argue. We bicker, but never argue. Everything is already debated/compromised on before it is done. We make sure both parties are satisfied with the outcome.

Well, it works for us, anyways!

[all DENVER]

Do you believe in soul mates? One person you're supposed to be with forever? Or do you think you just find someone and make it work?

How do you know they're 'The One'?

What happens if you find 'The One' and mess it up?

Heck no! I just hang around if u know what i mean.

[Jewels]

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't have a say on that one.

It's give and take. It is supposed to be equal.
Sometimes it doesn't always feel equal to either partner at any given time.
It's all about the long haul. Whether or not you are able to tolerate each other on the days when one or both of you is cranky, ugly, gassy...you name it.
Nobody can be perfect. Everyone wants to have their way, but it is about learning to give your partner their way when it really means something to them.

It means choosing you battles & fighting fair, without pointing fingers.
It's about expressing your feeling and emotions, not accusing the other of being the cause. If your partner gets on your last nerve, it's about biting your tounge because it's not worth the fight.

It means that I take out the trash if you load the dishwasher.
It means I'll put out in the morning if you're willing to leave me alone tonight.

You wanna get drunk and stay out all night? Fine, but don't gripe if I wanna do it.
I'll wear the damn thong with a smile on my face if you will open my car door for me like you used to when we first got together.

As a woman, I can say that the things that lure you into a relationship to begin with are the things you expect for the entire realtionship. It goes both ways.

It's damn hard work, but well worth it when you find somebody that thinks you're worth it...and doesn't screw around on you with skanks.

Yeh...

[all DENVER]

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't have a say on that one.

It's give and take. It is supposed to be equal.
Sometimes it doesn't always feel equal to either partner at any given time.
It's all about the long haul. Whether or not you are able to tolerate each other on the days when one or both of you is cranky, ugly, gassy...you name it.
Nobody can be perfect. Everyone wants to have their way, but it is about learning to give your partner their way when it really means something to them.

It means choosing you battles & fighting fair, without pointing fingers.
It's about expressing your feeling and emotions, not accusing the other of being the cause. If your partner gets on your last nerve, it's about biting your tounge because it's not worth the fight.

It means that I take out the trash if you load the dishwasher.
It means I'll put out in the morning if you're willing to leave me alone tonight.

You wanna get drunk and stay out all night? Fine, but don't gripe if I wanna do it.
I'll wear the damn thong with a smile on my face if you will open my car door for me like you used to when we first got together.

As a woman, I can say that the things that lure you into a relationship to begin with are the things you expect for the entire realtionship. It goes both ways.

It's damn hard work, but well worth it when you find somebody that thinks you're worth it...and doesn't screw around on you with skanks.

Yeh...

HI JEWELS!

[Jewels]

HI JEWELS!

Well, hi back at ya!

[LDB]

Probably the single most important thing my Pastor told me in pre-marital counseling...NEVER COMPROMISE.

A compromise, by definition, involves concessions by both partners. When a couple comes to a compromise, inevitably both of the partners will feel like they had to give something up to make the other happy, and by giving things up, they become less happy with the relationship...as they feel they are losing. Losing what? Freedom, opportunity, power, etc. A compromise results in two losers, when the preferred solution is two winners. When both people win, both will end up happy with the outcome, and happy outcomes build stronger relationships.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you have to sacrifice to make the other happy, then you should do both you and your partner a favor, and end the relationship. If your partner cannot accept you as you are, that is not the person you want to be with. You should be with a person who loves you and respects you as you are, not as the person they want you to be.

I understand what you are saying, but I can't help getting Ephesians 5 out of my head.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:25-31).

I don't see it as compromise. I see it as putting her needs ahead of mine. That is sacrificial. Which is what true love is all about. Being willing to put aside your wants and desires and putting others' needs ahead of your own. Which is what Jesus said was a requirement to being a disciple. "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24).

The Word says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church so much that He died for us. Putting your own ambition/desires/wants in front of your wife's is not loving her as Christ loves us.

I absolutely believe in soul mates. My wife is who I was intended to be with and I could not imagine life without her. That does not mean that the relationship would not fail if I decided that it would just work out because we were meant to be together. Marriage is work. You get out of it what you put into it.

[Jaws]

I understand what you are saying, but I can't help getting Ephesians 5 out of my head.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." (Ephesians 5:25-31).

I don't see it as compromise. I see it as putting her needs ahead of mine. That is sacrificial. Which is what true love is all about. Being willing to put aside your wants and desires and putting others' needs ahead of your own. Which is what Jesus said was a requirement to being a disciple. "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24).

The Word says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church so much that He died for us. Putting your own ambition/desires/wants in front of your wife's is not loving her as Christ loves us.

I absolutely believe in soul mates. My wife is who I was intended to be with and I could not imagine life without her. That does not mean that the relationship would not fail if I decided that it would just work out because we were meant to be together. Marriage is work. You get out of it what you put into it.

I have to say I agree with you LDB. Although I have no experience of marriage I believe the best unions are ones where both partners primary focus is on giving rather than receiving. When this happens each actually ends up receiving more in the end.

[In-com-plete]

My soul mate.

Never lets me down.

[WhoDeyBengals]

My soul mate.

Never lets me down.

You have given out too much Contributor Status in the last 24 hours, try again later.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Big Buck 1981]

I think a little further explanation is needed of my post, as some may have misinterpreted what I meant. What I meant was not that you should put your own needs before the needs of your spouse. I also did not mean to convey the notion that you won't be happy if you don't "win". In dealing with problems, compromise can lead to resentment if one feels like they are giving up more than the other. Rather than compromise, couples should work toward solutions that allow them both to fulfill their needs and desires.

Compromise defined: an accommodation in which both sides make concessions, to settle by concession.

Both members of a relationship can have what they want without making concessions, it truly is possible. The key is to be willing to spend the time and energy necessary to find the amicable solution, and not being lazy and just settling on work kinda works. Instead of saying, "Well, if we do what you want to do, then we have to do something that I want to do," talk and find something that you both want to do...because if what my wife wants to do is not something that I want to do, and is something that I won't enjoy, the fact that I'm not enjoying it will take some of her enjoyment away...and visa versa.

I thought the exact same thing most of you did, that compromise is a good thing. When my Pastor asked me, "What do you think constitutes a healthy relationship?" I answered, "Well, both people should love each other, they should work together to solve problems, they should trust each other, and they should be willing to compromise." He replied to me, "I like all of your answer except for that last word. Compromise implies a loser, or two losers, and losers are not happy people, and people who are not happy won't want to work together and it may lead to dishonesty." He explained to me that if I feel I will end up having to give something up to make my wife happy, over time, I will get fed up with conceeding and may begin lying to get what I want...and once the honesty is gone, what do you have left? Working together to find solutions that make both parties happy, and do not force either party to give something up, is far and away preferred over compromise.

[Kapaibro]

I think that you have 'the one', but that this person changes depending on your circumstances.

I went out with someone who I'd qualify as 'The One' but the timing was wrong(I was leaving the country in 2 months).

My biggest fear is that I get to Heaven and God, or whoever, goes through 'The Book' and says "That guy was the one!", and I'm like "What? But he sucked, the sex was bad, and he bugged the hell out of me!"

That would suck big time!

I still think I'll find someone special for me, cos hope is sometimes all you have!