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Headlines From the Year 2029

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  • Headlines From the Year 2029

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
    largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
    third language.


    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


    Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


    Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of
    the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
    years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
    legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
    mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


    85-years, in $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
    they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hey, I only copied and pasted this. )


    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


    Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Still trying to have
    basket height increased.


    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
    rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


    Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to
    campaign accounts.


    Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75½ percent.


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  • #2
    How about this one Top?



    Al Davis hires Art Shell after 38 people turned down head coaching job. This will be Art Shell's 5th stint as head coach of the Raiders. Mr. Shell was fired four previous times for his mediocre performance as head coach.

    Each time Mr. Shell is hired Raider Nation declares, "Time to get back on top! This team will have the swagger it has been missing these past XX years!"

    Unexplained is why if he is such a good coach the Raider's keep firing him and nobody else rehires.






    I know this should be in smack, but with the headline post I just couldn't resist!

    Al Davis leads yet another squad to the brink of mediocrity.

    Code Of Conduct
    ARTICLE VI: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States Of America.

    Comment


    • #3
      At the rate we're going, will we even be around in 2029?

      Comment


      • #4
        *laughs*

        Originally posted by Davii
        How about this one Top?



        Al Davis hires Art Shell after 38 people turned down head coaching job. This will be Art Shell's 5th stint as head coach of the Raiders. Mr. Shell was fired four previous times for his mediocre performance as head coach.

        Each time Mr. Shell is hired Raider Nation declares, "Time to get back on top! This team will have the swagger it has been missing these past XX years!"

        Unexplained is why if he is such a good coach the Raider's keep firing him and nobody else rehires.






        I know this should be in smack, but with the headline post I just couldn't resist!
        Had to hook you up on that one.

        -----

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Davii
          How about this one Top?



          Al Davis hires Art Shell after 38 people turned down head coaching job. This will be Art Shell's 5th stint as head coach of the Raiders. Mr. Shell was fired four previous times for his mediocre performance as head coach.

          Each time Mr. Shell is hired Raider Nation declares, "Time to get back on top! This team will have the swagger it has been missing these past XX years!"

          Unexplained is why if he is such a good coach the Raider's keep firing him and nobody else rehires.






          I know this should be in smack, but with the headline post I just couldn't resist!
          Fast forward to next year...

          Bronco head coach Jake Plummer tries to explain Denver's top overall pic in last weeks draft, Quarterback Jack Cutler from Arizona Tech. Jake valiantly answered tough questions as reporters are already comparing the promising Division XII quarterback to his father, junior league assistant to the assistant to the assistant of the quarterbacks coach, Jay Cutler.

          "While I am aware of Jack's record in a Division XII school, he has put up some impressive numbers in his 7 years at A-Tech." Plummer said, constantly swatting away flies from his beard. "I seriously doubt he'll be the second coming of his father. He reminds me of me in a way." This, promting reporters to laugh, some leaving the room as they grab their stomachs, angered Jake as he continued. "While Jay did lead us to a 3-45 record in his three years in Denver, ending my career in the process and setting us back two plus decades, young Jack has the leadership tools to get the Broncos back on top and end our 23 year drought of double digit losing seasons.

          Jay Cutler could not be reached for comment, but 3rd string little league quarterback Timmy Donovan said of young Jack Cutler, "He sucks poo like his daddy."

          The Broncos open the regular season on September 5th against the defending Superbowl Champion Oakland Raiders.



          You can now move this to the Smack portion of the forum.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by DevilSpawn
            Fast forward to next year...

            Bronco head coach Jake Plummer tries to explain Denver's top overall pic in last weeks draft, Quarterback Jack Cutler from Arizona Tech. Jake valiantly answered tough questions as reporters are already comparing the promising Division XII quarterback to his father, junior league assistant to the assistant to the assistant of the quarterbacks coach, Jay Cutler.

            "While I am aware of Jack's record in a Division XII school, he has put up some impressive numbers in his 7 years at A-Tech." Plummer said, constantly swatting away flies from his beard. "I seriously doubt he'll be the second coming of his father. He reminds me of me in a way." This, promting reporters to laugh, some leaving the room as they grab their stomachs, angered Jake as he continued. "While Jay did lead us to a 3-45 record in his three years in Denver, ending my career in the process and setting us back two plus decades, young Jack has the leadership tools to get the Broncos back on top and end our 23 year drought of double digit losing seasons.

            Jay Cutler could not be reached for comment, but 3rd string little league quarterback Timmy Donovan said of young Jack Cutler, "He sucks poo like his daddy."

            The Broncos open the regular season on September 5th against the defending Superbowl Champion Oakland Raiders.



            You can now move this to the Smack portion of the forum.
            Pretty good. At least mine had some historical accuracy behind it....

            Al Davis leads yet another squad to the brink of mediocrity.

            Code Of Conduct
            ARTICLE VI: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States Of America.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Davii
              Pretty good. At least mine had some historical accuracy behind it....
              Well, his took a greater imagination. Give him his props.
              My adopted fan is dogfish

              . . . . . . . . . . .
              . Post Your Artwork .
              . . . . . . . . . . .

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Archimedes Owl
                Well, his took a greater imagination. Give him his props.
                I said pretty good....

                Al Davis leads yet another squad to the brink of mediocrity.

                Code Of Conduct
                ARTICLE VI: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States Of America.

                Comment


                • #9
                  SHOCKING NEWS

                  I'll be turning 39 that year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  I'M TO STUDLY TO BE THAT OLD!!!!!!!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Archimedes Owl
                    Well, his took a greater imagination. Give him his props.
                    Yeah, I had to send on his way, too.

                    -----

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Davii
                      Pretty good. At least mine had some historical accuracy behind it....
                      If Al Davis is indeed alive by then, he'll be one of those frozen heads like they had on Futurama, still calling the shots.

                      Originally posted by topscribe
                      Yeah, I had to send on his way, too.

                      -----

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by DevilSpawn
                        If Al Davis is indeed alive by then, he'll be one of those frozen heads like they had on Futurama, still calling the shots.




                        WILL BE?

                        I thought he already was a frozen head!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by JWinn
                          WILL BE?

                          I thought he already was a frozen head!

                          See my sig for all future questions regarding the status of Al Davis' head.

                          Al Davis leads yet another squad to the brink of mediocrity.

                          Code Of Conduct
                          ARTICLE VI: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States Of America.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx
                            SHOCKING NEWS

                            I'll be turning 39 that year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                            I'M TO STUDLY TO BE THAT OLD!!!!!!!

                            --- ---

                            .

                            May God Bless all men and women of our Armed Forces, past and present
                            The Only Thing Necessary For The Triumph Of Evil Is For Good Men To Do Nothing
                            http://www.navyjack.info/history.html
                            My Adopted Bronco is #95 Derek Wolfe

                            Comment

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