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  • Rough Draft for story-read and review?

    You try to ignore the questions. About your knee, your production, your size. Only you can't. Everytime you look in the mirror you see that knee bulging in your pads from the brace you wear. It's what led you to wearing 14, 1 for where you should have been, and 4 for the round you ended up in. Motivation to prove those doubters wrong.

    Only I just wasn't ready when camp opened. I sat out for too many practiced for my comfort and I wouldn't have blamed the orgnanization for cutting me. Like a weed doubt was sprouting in my mind.

    But I wasn't cut. I dont know if it was my meetings with Coach Carr but when the season kicked off against Orlando I was number three behind Dennis Krane and Luke White and finally healthy enough to play if needed.

    They say that it takes nearly a year for an ACL injury to heal, and I was still on the mend when I sat that first game. But I'd be lying if I gave you that "what a priviledge it is to sit behind a veteran and learn" crap. I hated sitting, and I hated it more when I sat only to see our team get killed 34-9.

    Phoenix' only touchdown came when Sabin Kennedy picked off the qb, and a safety came later when William "Bear" Bailey sacked the Great White's qb in the endzone. Bailey finsihed the game with 3 sacks and two batted passes, but mostly he got to play in the game. Not an experience he and I shared.

    During the next week each quarterback met individually with Coach Carr. He had met me the week before as well and while I had expected to talk X's and O's we mostly talked life. So it was no surprise that this meeting highlight was my ex-teammate Rodney Wilson.

    "You threw to the kid in college and broke a few records for a duo in history. What kind of words come to mind when you think of Rodney now?" Carr asked.

    "Explosive, fast, reliable," I wondered if this was to help our defense prepare for him. After my sophmore year Rodney left school and was a first round pick. Now he was Jim Otto's favorite target and coming off of a leage leading 1750 yards receiving.

    "He's the greatest of the three evils," Carr said, referring to the first three receivers on a team in league histroy to pass 1200 yards in one season. "I wanted to draft him when I was with New York, but the G.M and I didn't exactly agree. Not the only thing we didn't see eye to eye on. We drafted Eric Whittaker."

    There was a long silence. Whittaker had been a 6'7 270 lb T.E, said to revolutionalize the position. Unfortunatley he was charged with murder and before he was convicted he jumped off a building at gun point.

    (I'll add more later please R and R while im at practice )
    Last edited by JoRo; 08-29-2006, 12:05 PM.
    Bronco fan from Packer Land.
    Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
    Tweet me @JoRo_5551

  • #2
    Not nearly enough description. I actually thought I was reading about a wide receiver at first, then a RB, and then a QB.

    Second, you can't really keep a story going like this. It sounds good in the movies, a sort of monologue, soliloquy, or whatever, but it's a tad harder in books. But, if you are, I'll tell you what I've learned from writing a soliloquy -- that you have to be very detailed and indepth with many things; often the story is based more in the past then present as the character reminisces about what has happened to relate to what is now happening or will happen.

    Conversations should be a focal point, especially with the story being so personal. You can't say everything at once; instead you let them out one at a time, and have them fleshed out with detail, intrigue, whatever. Another good point is to have lots of humor, whether it's dry or slapstick, I find that it really brings the story up and helps readers connect with the character(s).

    Lot more to say, but that should be enough for now


    "When Kepler found his long-cherished belief did not agree with the most precise observation, he accepted the uncomfortable fact. He preferred the hard truth to his dearest illusions; that is the heart of science."
    - Carl Sagan

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
      You try to ignore the questions. About your knee, your production, your size. Only you can't.
      Incomplete sentences, but useful for effect. Not a problem as long as you're consistent.

      My rule of thumb is write like you talk. If this is how you talk (or to put it better, how the character talks), then that is 'correct' and improves the flavor of the character for the reader.

      Everytime you look in the mirror you see that knee bulging in your pads from the brace you wear. It's what led you to wearing
      led you to wear

      14, 1 for where you should have been, and 4 for the round you ended up in. Motivation to prove those doubters wrong.
      Probably don't need the comma after been. Again with an incomplete sentence.


      Only I just wasn't ready when camp opened. I sat out for too many practiced
      practices


      for my comfort and I wouldn't have blamed the orgnanization for cutting me. Like a weed doubt was sprouting in my mind.
      Continue with the analogy, expound on it briefly. What does a weed do? You can say something about how doubt chokes your hopes like a weed chokes the grass, or a flower. Doesn't have to be much, but can be very powerful.


      But I wasn't cut.
      Try to stay away from starting sentences with 'but' or 'and' and the like, those general rules of thumb. You can stay away from them easily enough and still 'talk' like your character.


      I dont know if it was my meetings with Coach Carr but when the season kicked off against Orlando I was number three behind Dennis Krane and Luke White and finally healthy enough to play if needed.
      One sentence paragraph. Consider slicing up.


      They say that it takes nearly a year for an ACL injury to heal, and I was still on the mend when I sat that first game. But
      Another sentence beginning with 'but'. It upsets any flow you're trying to create. You can drop it all together.

      I'd be lying if I gave you that "what a priviledge it is to sit behind a veteran and learn" crap. I hated sitting, and I hated it more when I sat only to see our team get killed 34-9.
      privilege.


      Phoenix' only touchdown came when Sabin Kennedy picked off the qb, and a safety came later when William "Bear" Bailey sacked the Great White's qb in the endzone.
      The Phoenix Great Whites?


      Bailey finsihed the game with 3 sacks and two batted passes, but mostly he got to play in the game. Not an experience he and I shared.
      Finished, and the second part of the sentence after the comma is rough.


      During the next week each quarterback met individually with Coach Carr. He had met me the week before as well and while I had expected to talk X's and O's we mostly talked life. So it was no surprise that this meeting highlight was my ex-teammate Rodney Wilson.
      You use the word 'this' as in 'this meeting' when you have been in past tense.


      "You threw to the kid in college and broke a few records for a duo in history. What kind of words come to mind when you think of Rodney now?" Carr asked.
      I wonder if the mention of the records as dialogue is too blatantly expository. Consider adding it as an inner monologue.


      "Explosive, fast, reliable," I wondered if this was to help our defense prepare for him. After my sophmore year Rodney left school and was a first round pick. Now he was Jim Otto's favorite target and coming off of a leage leading 1750 yards receiving.

      "He's the greatest of the three evils,"
      If it is a nickname, then you should use Three Evils.


      Carr said, referring to the first three receivers on a team in league histroy to pass 1200 yards in one season. "I wanted to draft him when I was with New York, but the G.M and I didn't exactly agree. Not the only thing we didn't see eye to eye on. We drafted Eric Whittaker."

      There was a long silence. Whittaker had been a 6'7 270 lb T.E, said to revolutionalize the position. Unfortunatley he was charged with murder and before he was convicted he jumped off a building at gun point.
      Wow, that's abrupt!

      (I'll add more later please R and R while im at practice )
      Sorry, I like doing this. Hopefully it is helpful.

      Is this a very beginning to a story?
      Victory and defeat are matters of the temporary force of circumstance.



      Thanks, Snk16!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Wow didnt think id be that bad

        sorry for putting you guys through that.....


        I don't know how I want to write it exactly, I been kind of just writing that to see if I could keep going like that. But at the same time I dont know. I would prefer to do a first person type of view because it is easier to go into thoughts and such. But I dont know.



        What do yall think?


        Other things I have thought of that I could try:

        an outside observer, kind of like following the team through an anylysts view or something.

        More than one player, following a few on different sides of the ball: Only I dont want them all to sound so similar, a problem I ran into in the past. Another thing I could do is a different player, a starter or something.

        Coaches point of view, seemed fun I actually wrote some like this but I dont know enough about bein a coach to do it, and I woudnt wanna bore a reader with extra stuff that dont seem very important? I donno it jus seemed like there wasnt much developin when I did that.



        Please give me some help I want this story to be good
        Last edited by JoRo; 08-29-2006, 05:55 PM.
        Bronco fan from Packer Land.
        Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
        Tweet me @JoRo_5551

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
          Wow didnt think id be that bad

          sorry for putting you guys through that.....
          Eh, don't mind me. It's a good start.

          See, I'm used to editing and beta-ing for other writers and I just get into a mode. Like I said to all authors I do this for, take what you want and discard the rest. It's only worth what you paid for it.


          I don't know how I want to write it exactly, I been kind of just writing that to see if I could keep going like that. But at the same time I dont know. I would prefer to do a first person type of view because it is easier to go into thoughts and such. But I dont know.
          I've found first person a bit more challenging than third. It's hard to get descriptive, if you're a very visual writer.

          What you should do is write MORE. It's hard to get a sense of a writer from such a short piece.

          My BEST advice though? Write something you're interested in, something you like.



          Other things I have thought of that I could try:

          an outside observer, kind of like following the team through an anylysts view or something.
          Would that be first or third person?


          More than one player, following a few on different sides of the ball: Only I dont want them all to sound so similar, a problem I ran into in the past.
          You can run into a LOT of trouble if you switch perspective more than once in a scene. Be careful if you go this route.


          Coaches point of view, seemed fun I actually wrote some like this but I dont know enough about bein a coach to do it, and I woudnt wanna bore a reader with extra stuff that dont seem very important? I donno it jus seemed like there wasnt much developin when I did that.
          Then write some more. There's nothing said that you have to write something only once.
          Victory and defeat are matters of the temporary force of circumstance.



          Thanks, Snk16!!

          Comment


          • #6
            It's pretty good I just find the narration sort of wierd.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks again, and I understand. Id prefer you be critical than not. I do have more down but I was going to rego over it, I havent added a lot yet, but what I am really thinkin bout with this, is that I do have a character set for the qb, as well as some others. I am kind of wondering If i wanna keep goin wit the qb cuz every story has a big time character qb. Understandable but I wanna go with something different if at all possible? That is why I wanted him to be a third string at start.

              But I wanna go first person, and I will add more to it, I just havent written in awhile an I was kinda skimmin at first, its usualyl hard for me to get my thoughts an stuff outta my mind an into the story.

              A thought I had was bein a safety the team brought in, a vet that has been around the league for some time. Hes bene solid though unspectacular, and he is along for the ride..?

              I donno though.... I am starting to think itd be easier to be a vet cuz they have a broader viewpoint of things?
              Bronco fan from Packer Land.
              Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
              Tweet me @JoRo_5551

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
                Thanks again, and I understand. Id prefer you be critical than not. I do have more down but I was going to rego over it, I havent added a lot yet, but what I am really thinkin bout with this, is that I do have a character set for the qb, as well as some others. I am kind of wondering If i wanna keep goin wit the qb cuz every story has a big time character qb. Understandable but I wanna go with something different if at all possible? That is why I wanted him to be a third string at start.

                But I wanna go first person, and I will add more to it, I just havent written in awhile an I was kinda skimmin at first, its usualyl hard for me to get my thoughts an stuff outta my mind an into the story.

                A thought I had was bein a safety the team brought in, a vet that has been around the league for some time. Hes bene solid though unspectacular, and he is along for the ride..?

                I donno though.... I am starting to think itd be easier to be a vet cuz they have a broader viewpoint of things?
                Ok well to be honest the beginning part does make it sound like a RB or WR somewhere in that lines, maybe make it so instead of his leg he hurt, his arm/shoulder?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Well he hurt his leg, which is cuz of he has limited mobility in year 1 or he would....


                  I donno.....


                  Ill think of a way to make it more clear?
                  Bronco fan from Packer Land.
                  Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
                  Tweet me @JoRo_5551

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
                    Well he hurt his leg, which is cuz of he has limited mobility in year 1 or he would....


                    I donno.....


                    Ill think of a way to make it more clear?
                    To be honest his mobility wouldn't be that much of an issue unless he was one of those Jake Plummer, Vick type of QB's and I would see more of a struggle if he did have an injury to his thowing arm then his leg.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx
                      To be honest his mobility wouldn't be that much of an issue unless he was one of those Jake Plummer, Vick type of QB's and I would see more of a struggle if he did have an injury to his thowing arm then his leg.
                      He is mobile that would be why


                      Another thing that i dint mention yet but it will get round to is that he only had two really good years, an his junior year (his top three wideouts graduated) he struggled badly as the team fell apart. his senior season he was gonna try an make up for it but got hurt
                      Bronco fan from Packer Land.
                      Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
                      Tweet me @JoRo_5551

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
                        He is mobile that would be why


                        Another thing that i dint mention yet but it will get round to is that he only had two really good years, an his junior year (his top three wideouts graduated) he struggled badly as the team fell apart. his senior season he was gonna try an make up for it but got hurt
                        So how he's in the pros now right? If he is how high did he get drafted?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx
                          So how he's in the pros now right? If he is how high did he get drafted?

                          4th round.


                          I think i figured out how to do the story. Itll be from the point of view of an up and comer coach. One of those assistant guys who dont really have a certain job. This guy, whoever it is (dont have a name yet) was a college player for the head coach in, an undrafted guy who had absolutedly no future in the pros. He tried his best to just soak up what he could in college, and he graduated and low an behold his college coach goes to the pros to revive the Phoenix Firebirds. He gets a job as an "assistant" and again just spends the year watching and learning, figurin out what he can. The little things.


                          Sounds like a good start? It would work too cuz then he can pretty much be young enough to follow around any players, he can see all angles of the game, and all that great stuff

                          What yall think?
                          Bronco fan from Packer Land.
                          Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
                          Tweet me @JoRo_5551

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by MoFo_JoRo
                            4th round.


                            I think i figured out how to do the story. Itll be from the point of view of an up and comer coach. One of those assistant guys who dont really have a certain job. This guy, whoever it is (dont have a name yet) was a college player for the head coach in, an undrafted guy who had absolutedly no future in the pros. He tried his best to just soak up what he could in college, and he graduated and low an behold his college coach goes to the pros to revive the Phoenix Firebirds. He gets a job as an "assistant" and again just spends the year watching and learning, figurin out what he can. The little things.


                            Sounds like a good start? It would work too cuz then he can pretty much be young enough to follow around any players, he can see all angles of the game, and all that great stuff

                            What yall think?
                            If you want some good stuff to enspire you I highly reccomend you read Friday Night Lights. It's actually a pretty good book and you can get a lot of good ideas out of it

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by xX-Bronco-Xx
                              If you want some good stuff to enspire you I highly reccomend you read Friday Night Lights. It's actually a pretty good book and you can get a lot of good ideas out of it

                              Read it and it was good.
                              Bronco fan from Packer Land.
                              Lefty Writer on The Sports Show with Woody Paige and Les Shapiro
                              Tweet me @JoRo_5551

                              Comment

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