Today I think I finally hit rock bottom.
Last night I talked to my ex... and I have been for the last week.. not a smart thing and I recomend to many of you not to follow that example. I also went to my Youth Group. It was hard and I spent it angry at God, angry at Myself... just angry....
I felt as though that this wasn't worth it anymore... it felt as though God was playing some sick joke on me... how stupid was I to not realize that it was the enemy.
Before going to bed last night I swigged some Night time cough stuff. I didn't know if it was too much at the time... and I didn't care. I don't want to lie and I don't want to make any of you think I am nuts or anything, but I have been in a few bad places this past week. I was lucky, I woke up this morning.. although I
wouldn't have told you that at the time. I went to school where we spent the whole day doing a course thing to get ready to take this big test for Michigan. I knew right away I wouldn't last past the first hour. I saw her and the guy together... being "just friends" by themselves... and I wanted to go home and take the rest of the Night Stuff.. (again sorry but I want to tell this)
Before I went to my home though, I wanted to talk to my Pastor... ya know give the Big Guy one last chance to show me He loved me and He really did want me to be ok....
Except my Pastor wasn't there. His wife answered the door, and let me in, asking why I wasn't in school... I spilled my guts to her, I didn't cry... but I felt like I was dying inside just saying how I felt about everything, tellin her the Pastors own wife that I was angry at God...
I came to the conclusion that this wasn't just about my ex. This pain couldn't be just from that, and I realized that it was my mom and my dad too.. It felt like anyone who ever was really close to me for any amount of time left me. My mom had told me week or two before she died (last year) that it was harder to come home than stay at work... my dad calls maybe ever two weeks or so... and my ex... that jus seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back....
I felt like I was unworthy of being loved... I mean I felt guilty talking to people about my problems...
my Pastors wife told me that I needed to rant at God, he could handle it, and to just stop talking to my ex... not to be mean to her, but not tlak to her in specific. I think I have finally set out on waht God intended for me to do
Well tonight I think I am finally setting out on what God wants me to do. I went to the Christian Center in town (I do the projector there) Afterwords I stopped by my ex's house (on the way home right there) and I asked her if I could get one last hug before my best friend is gone for good, i did and I even left the car on to make myself not be able to stay any longer than I planned. And then on the way home I finally figured out what to do with the stuff she had given me that I had sittin in the back of my car. I took it to our dumpster, and threw it in. God wants me to let go, and I can't as long as I let stuff like that sit and give me hope.
Thank you for the prayers guys... it hurts but I think maybe I am FINALLY doing waht is wanted from me on this planet
We all know what happens after we hit rock bottom.... I feel maybe like its finally time to get picked back up
Please keep me in your prayers
Joe
Last night I talked to my ex... and I have been for the last week.. not a smart thing and I recomend to many of you not to follow that example. I also went to my Youth Group. It was hard and I spent it angry at God, angry at Myself... just angry....
I felt as though that this wasn't worth it anymore... it felt as though God was playing some sick joke on me... how stupid was I to not realize that it was the enemy.
Before going to bed last night I swigged some Night time cough stuff. I didn't know if it was too much at the time... and I didn't care. I don't want to lie and I don't want to make any of you think I am nuts or anything, but I have been in a few bad places this past week. I was lucky, I woke up this morning.. although I
wouldn't have told you that at the time. I went to school where we spent the whole day doing a course thing to get ready to take this big test for Michigan. I knew right away I wouldn't last past the first hour. I saw her and the guy together... being "just friends" by themselves... and I wanted to go home and take the rest of the Night Stuff.. (again sorry but I want to tell this)
Before I went to my home though, I wanted to talk to my Pastor... ya know give the Big Guy one last chance to show me He loved me and He really did want me to be ok....
Except my Pastor wasn't there. His wife answered the door, and let me in, asking why I wasn't in school... I spilled my guts to her, I didn't cry... but I felt like I was dying inside just saying how I felt about everything, tellin her the Pastors own wife that I was angry at God...
I came to the conclusion that this wasn't just about my ex. This pain couldn't be just from that, and I realized that it was my mom and my dad too.. It felt like anyone who ever was really close to me for any amount of time left me. My mom had told me week or two before she died (last year) that it was harder to come home than stay at work... my dad calls maybe ever two weeks or so... and my ex... that jus seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back....
I felt like I was unworthy of being loved... I mean I felt guilty talking to people about my problems...
my Pastors wife told me that I needed to rant at God, he could handle it, and to just stop talking to my ex... not to be mean to her, but not tlak to her in specific. I think I have finally set out on waht God intended for me to do
Well tonight I think I am finally setting out on what God wants me to do. I went to the Christian Center in town (I do the projector there) Afterwords I stopped by my ex's house (on the way home right there) and I asked her if I could get one last hug before my best friend is gone for good, i did and I even left the car on to make myself not be able to stay any longer than I planned. And then on the way home I finally figured out what to do with the stuff she had given me that I had sittin in the back of my car. I took it to our dumpster, and threw it in. God wants me to let go, and I can't as long as I let stuff like that sit and give me hope.
Thank you for the prayers guys... it hurts but I think maybe I am FINALLY doing waht is wanted from me on this planet
We all know what happens after we hit rock bottom.... I feel maybe like its finally time to get picked back up

Please keep me in your prayers
Joe
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