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  • Jack Handy Quotes

    Remember Al Frankens Jack Handy character from SNL? What are some of your favorites? Ill start it off with this one:
    "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

  • #2
    "I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don't know I'm using blanks." -Jack Handey
    Originally posted by Soldier96B
    i also took a crap and it was orange

    Comment


    • #3
      If I could be anything, I would be a one eyed, one horned, flying, purple, people eater. Then I could fly around and people would sing the song about me....

      Then I would swoop down and eat them....

      Because I hate that f'ing song.



      Lex....I swear....I HAVE to know you. You are in my head!
      COPYWRITED MATERIAL Copyright © 1975 by Dr Velcro

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      • #4
        I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then at the very end, there's a page you can lick, and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
        Patriotic dissent is a luxury of those protected by better men than they.

        Comment


        • #5
          I just can't help myself...


          Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

          If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

          One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

          If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

          Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

          Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

          Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.


          I'm crying now because I'm laughing so hard.

          Lex,

          I sent you a CP.
          That got my mind off a few things & Jack Handy ALWAYS makes me laugh.
          Thank you thank you thank you.
          COPYWRITED MATERIAL Copyright © 1975 by Dr Velcro

          Comment


          • #6
            Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

            Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

            Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

            Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

            Al Davis leads yet another squad to the brink of mediocrity.

            Code Of Conduct
            ARTICLE VI: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States Of America.

            Comment


            • #7
              Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

              I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

              Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

              When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.

              Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

              If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

              One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

              If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

              If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

              I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

              Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

              Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

              When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

              Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.


              I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

              I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

              Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?

              If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.

              When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

              Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

              To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

              The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

              Everybody's gotta elevate from the norm...

              The greatest list of music I don't own on CD :sad:
              You should check these guys out

              Comment


              • #8
                If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink

                I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

                I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

                The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

                I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
                sigpic

                I think Ben Tate will be the best back taken in the 2010 draft. (5/3/10)
                SportsXPicks, check out the Rants and Opinions section

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                • #9
                  “If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”

                  “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

                  “There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.”

                  “If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.”

                  “Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”

                  “Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy.”

                  “You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.”

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                  • #10
                    I don't think clowns are very funny...

                    In fact I hate clowns....

                    It all started when my dad took me to the circus when I was a kid.....

                    A clown killed my dad....
                    sigpic

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      “As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!”

                      “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”

                      “I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”

                      “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

                      “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

                      " If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

                      If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”

                      “When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

                      And my favorite one..

                      Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

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                      • #12
                        I love Deep thoughts. A lot of great ones have already been posted, but here are a few more of my favorites....

                        Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

                        A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

                        Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

                        I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

                        If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
                        sigpic
                        The only thing that can stop the ninja.
                        Setting yourself on fire so they can't catch you!

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                        • #13
                          I love this thread. May we keep it here forever?
                          COPYWRITED MATERIAL Copyright © 1975 by Dr Velcro

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                          • #14
                            This thread gets my vote for thread of the month.
                            Originally posted by Soldier96B
                            i also took a crap and it was orange

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Fred the Bunny
                              I love this thread. May we keep it here forever?
                              Nope, I'm deleting it tomorrow.









                              Great thread.
                              Thanks, Reid!
                              sigpic
                              Click on my sig to read JetRazor's and my story. Or PM me with any questions.

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