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    ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Originally posted by Cutler'stheMan View Post
    I posted this one in the jokes thread, I always get a kick out of this one, could you imagine yourself trying this?


    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

    The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

    VERY good one.

    Here's this-

    An older couple are driving through Colorado and get pulled over. The cop askes to see the man's liscence. "What did he say?", said the lady in the passenger seat. "He asked for my liscence", replied the man. The cop looks it over and says- "From Oregon, eh? Here visiting?". The lady says- "What'd he say?". "He asked if we were visiting from Oregon, hun." The cop starts writing out a ticket and says- "Where in Oregon ya'll from?" The man answer- "Ashland." The cop says- "Phew! Worst piece of ass I ever got was in Ashalnd'. The lady asks- "What did he say?" The man replies- "He says he knows you."

    Leave a comment:

  • CTM
    Later Skater

  • CTM
    replied
    How to avoid a ticket.

    I posted this one in the jokes thread, I always get a kick out of this one, could you imagine yourself trying this?


    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

    The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

    Leave a comment:

  • HurricaneDovs
    Playmaker

  • HurricaneDovs
    replied
    A husband and his wife were walking through the woods when they came upon a cabin.

    They heard a noise from within the cabin so they decided to go in a check it out.

    Inside they saw a man sitting on the floor in robes and a turban.

    They questioned the man and he said he was an all powerful genie.

    They asked if they could have their 3 wishes and the genie agreed but had a request of them first.

    "Would you mind if I could sleep with your wife sir? Its been so long since ive been with a woman. If you could allow me this I would be more than happy to grant your wishes".

    The man talks to his wife and they both agree.

    An hour or so later they are finished.

    The genie comes out of the cabin and begins to walk away.

    "Hey!" the man says. "Arent you going to grant us our 3 wishes?!"

    To this the genie responds "Arent you a little old to be believing in genies?"

    O_o

    Leave a comment:

  • ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Originally posted by Cutler'stheMan View Post
    A woman is feeling down after a long and difficult break up and feels she needs to get back in the dating scene.

    So she puts an advertisement in the newspaper saying she wanted a man who would never hit her, who would never run away from her, and who could satisfy her.

    Two days later she hears a loud thumping on the door, opening it she sees a man with no arms and no legs.

    He says, "You see, I have no arms, I couldnt possibly hit you, I have no legs, so I could never run from you."

    She replies "But I also said I wanted a man who could satisfy me."

    He answers "How the hell do you think I knocked on the door?"
    Oh.... good one!

    Leave a comment:

  • CTM
    Later Skater

  • CTM
    replied
    A woman is feeling down after a long and difficult break up and feels she needs to get back in the dating scene.

    So she puts an advertisement in the newspaper saying she wanted a man who would never hit her, who would never run away from her, and who could satisfy her.

    Two days later she hears a loud thumping on the door, opening it she sees a man with no arms and no legs.

    He says, "You see, I have no arms, I couldnt possibly hit you, I have no legs, so I could never run from you."

    She replies "But I also said I wanted a man who could satisfy me."

    He answers "How the hell do you think I knocked on the door?"

    Leave a comment:

  • The Caped Crusader
    Bench Warmer

  • The Caped Crusader
    replied
    The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

    "Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

    "Eleven," she replied.

    The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

    "Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

    He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

    The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

    The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

    So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

    The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

    Leave a comment:

  • ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Originally posted by Cutler'stheMan View Post
    WHOA!! Thats pretty rough of him.

    I got a cannibal joke also.

    3 adventurers are deep in the jungle when they are captured by a savage cannibal tribe, they are informed they must pass an unknown test or else they would be eaten. If they succeed, they will be set free.

    First they are told to go out in the jungle and pick 10 pieces of the same type of fruit.

    So all three search the jungle for fruit.

    The first man comes back with apples, he is told he must shove each piece of fruit up his butt while making no expresion whatsoever.

    He gets 2 Apples up before wincing, and he is killed.

    The second man returns with berries, he is told to do the same, he gets all the way to 9, then bursts out laughing, and is killed immediatley.

    The first and second man are waiting to get into heaven and the first man asks, "Why did you laugh? You we're home free."

    The second man replies, "Oh, couldnt help it, I saw the last guy coming back carrying pineapples."

    Nice!!!!!! How 'bout this-

    Three guys get caught by a tribe deep in the jungles. THey get tied to a pole in the middle of the camp. As the evening ceremonies begin the chief goes to the first guy and askes- "Death or Namdinamdi?!?!"

    The man thinks about it, but not wanting death he replies- "Namdinamdi..." The other two guys watch as the first man is "abused through the back door" with no mercy. He get's returned to the pole and the chief turns to the second man and askes- "Death or Namdinamdi?"

    The second man thinks about it. ALso not wanting ot die he says- "Namdinamdi...." He befalls the fate of the first man and get's returned.

    The chief turns to the thrid man and says- "Death or Namdinamdi?" The third man in a very cocky manner juts his chin into the air and says- "DEATH!"

    The chief turns to the tribe as they all go crazy and yells- "DEATH!!!!......



























    ... by NAMDINAMDI!!!!!"

    Leave a comment:

  • CTM
    Later Skater

  • CTM
    replied
    Originally posted by ebsoria View Post
    Didja hear about the canibal who passed him brother in the woods....?
    WHOA!! Thats pretty rough of him.

    I got a cannibal joke also.

    3 adventurers are deep in the jungle when they are captured by a savage cannibal tribe, they are informed they must pass an unknown test or else they would be eaten. If they succeed, they will be set free.

    First they are told to go out in the jungle and pick 10 pieces of the same type of fruit.

    So all three search the jungle for fruit.

    The first man comes back with apples, he is told he must shove each piece of fruit up his butt while making no expresion whatsoever.

    He gets 2 Apples up before wincing, and he is killed.

    The second man returns with berries, he is told to do the same, he gets all the way to 9, then bursts out laughing, and is killed immediatley.

    The first and second man are waiting to get into heaven and the first man asks, "Why did you laugh? You we're home free."

    The second man replies, "Oh, couldnt help it, I saw the last guy coming back carrying pineapples."

    Leave a comment:

  • ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Didja hear about the canibal who passed him brother in the woods....?

    Leave a comment:

  • Senses Fail
    Jedi

  • Senses Fail
    replied
    Originally posted by Cutler'stheMan View Post
    Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.

    He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"

    "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

    "Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.


    I love little Johnny jokes!


    "If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

    "One dollar." answered little Johnny

    "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

    Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

    Leave a comment:

  • ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Originally posted by Cutler'stheMan View Post
    Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.

    He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"

    "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

    "Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.



    Good one. I tried to give ya lovin but I guess I gotta spread it a bit first.

    Leave a comment:

  • CTM
    Later Skater

  • CTM
    replied
    Dont try this at home

    Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.

    He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?"

    "He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

    "Then why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.


    Leave a comment:

  • getlynched47
    gEt WrEcKeD!!!

  • getlynched47
    replied
    Originally posted by ebsoria View Post
    Then promise you'll come back to it later?!?! It is worth it!!
    Oh I read it...........it was pretty funny.

    But I'll come back and re-read it in about 4 hours and it will be HILARIOUS :salute!:

    Leave a comment:

  • Flatlander Fan
    All-Pro

  • Flatlander Fan
    replied
    :doh::brick::hammer::devil:

    Leave a comment:

  • ebsoria
    Former Mod Of Steel

  • ebsoria
    replied
    Originally posted by getlynched47 View Post
    sorry eb.....it's too early to read very long jokes
    Then promise you'll come back to it later?!?! It is worth it!!

    Leave a comment:

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