FUNNY 2007 MOCK DRAFT -- read

[DTownNative]

http://www.49erswebzone.com/forum/thread.php?num=59673

1. Oakland Raiders: Essence Carson, captain, Rutgers women's basketball
No figures in the sports world will get more public support and enthusiasm next season than the Rutgers women -- maybe they are the ones who can make the Raiders popular again! In the second round, Oakland hopes to tab Sam Zell, billionaire buyer of distressed properties. Crumbling office buildings, the Chicago Cubs … these pale in comparison to the turnaround challenge with the Oakland Raiders.

2. Detroit Lions: Calvin Johnson, wide receiver, Georgia Tech
If Matt Millen uses a lottery pick on a wide receiver for the fourth time in five years, he will need just seven more drafts to realize his dream of having the first NFL team to start an offense composed entirely of wide receivers chosen in the first round. Note: Detroit has stockpiled four fifth-round picks. Finally Millen's brilliant long-term strategy is revealed.

3. Cleveland Browns: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
With the Indians' home opener snowed out in April, the Browns are worried their Sept. 9 opener against the Steelers will be snowed out, too. Rudolph could use his nose to signal-in plays. And during the offseason, Rudolph can work as a replacement for the notorious Chief Wahoo.

4. City of Tampa Buccaneers: Katherine Harris, defeated Florida senatorial candidateIf Harris had been in charge of scoring NFL games last year, the Bucs would have won the Super Bowl!

5. Arizona Cardinals: Sanjaya Malakar, oddity
Exactly the sort of prospect the Cards traditionally seek high in the draft. In the epic Sanskrit poem Mahabharata, Sanjaya is a character whose name means "victory." Evidently the "American Idol" judges don't read a lot of epic Sanskrit poetry.

6. Washington Redskins: Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House
George W. Bush calls Redskins owner Dan Snyder and pleads with him to draft Pelosi, "then line her up as the Z receiver and send her over the middle."

7. Minnesota Vikings: Randy Moss, Marshall University
The Vikings hope to start all over by drafting not the current Randy Moss, but the Randy Moss of 1998. Classified Pentagon technology is involved.

8. Houston Texans: Vince Young, quarterback, University of Texas
"Honest, Commissioner, that's what we wrote on our card last year. Honest. Can't we just hand in the card this year?"

9. Miami Dolphins: Lou Saban, retired coach
The Dolphins will tab Nick's older cousin, bring him to town, publicly promise him the head coaching job -- then tell him they've changed their minds.

10. Atlanta Falcons: Bobby Douglass, quarterback, University of Kansas
Teaming Douglass with Michael Vick could produce the greatest running back tandem in NFL history.

[DTownNative]

11. San Francisco 49ers: Al Gore, Oscar winner
Having Gore speak at halftime would reduce greenhouse gas emissions -- because fans would not drive to the stadium to attend games. If you're taking your sweetheart on a date, take her to "An Inconvenient Truth," because she'll cuddle up to you during the scary parts. Note: In a little-reported development, Gore used confusing butterfly ballots to rig the Academy Awards vote. The winner in his category should have been this Oscar finalist, a documentary about Pentecostalism produced by Rachel Grady and Heidi Ewing. It's well worth your time to watch. Ewing and Grady are the hottest documentary team working right now -- their 2005 "The Boys of Baraka," about four Baltimore inner-city kids attending a boarding school in Kenya, is also a must-see.

12. Buffalo Bills: Zak DeOssie, linebacker, Brown
Harvard's Marv Levy will pick this Ivy League star for Yale's **** Jauron.

13. (Projected trade) Pittsburgh Steelers: Robert Jarvik, inventor, artificial heart
The Steelers plan to have a physician line up in the backfield with Ben Roethlisberger. (Projected trade: Steelers send their first, third and seventh picks in 2007, plus their second selection in 2008, fifth pick in 2009, third and sixth picks in 2010, seventh pick in 2011, seventh pick in 2012, fourth and fifth picks in 2013, third pick in 2014, third pick in 2015 and an option to exchange seventh-round choices in 2009 to the Rams for St. Louis' first and fourth selections in 2007, third pick in 2008, fourth pick in 2009, third and fifth picks in 2010, fifth pick in 2011, sixth pick in 2012, second pick in 2013, fifth pick in 2014 and third pick in 2015. Also, the teams agree to a Secret Santa exchange.)

14. Carolina Panthers: Moezeldin Elmostafa, Durham, N.C. cab driver
Elmostafa is the witness who knew that one of the Duke lacrosse players couldn't possibly have done what he was accused of doing, and stuck to his story despite police attempts to intimidate him into silence. And while everyone is rightly bashing the sleazeball district attorney, what about the Durham police department? The Durham police in this case come off looking highly suspect, yet no officers or commanders have been fired.

15. St. Louis Rams: Adria, sinister super-advanced space alien
Since the Rams won the Super Bowl led by a space alien taking the form of "Kurt Warner," it's all been downhill for the St. Louis franchise. Now that the "Stargate SG-1" television franchise is going off the air, maybe the Rams could sign Stargate's mightiest alien?

16. Green Bay Packers: Andrew von Eschenbach, director, Food and Drug Administration
Thousands of spectators attend Packers games with cheese on their heads. How can we be sure this cheese is safe and wholesome? Does it even meet the legal definition of cheese? See here for the definitions, including such appetizing categories as cheese that is "surface-ripened principally by mold." Note: The FDA director follows the modern affectation of the unneeded middle initial, calling himself Andrew C. von Eschenbach. Oh, so you mean that Andrew von Eschenbach.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars: Dave Batista, professional wrestler and former bouncer
The Jags covered nearly 10,000 seats at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium -- you can't buy tickets to those seats even if you want to -- in order to increase the frequency of sellouts, and thereby make attending a Jacksonville game seem more desirable. Isn't the next logical step placing bouncers by the stadium gates and refusing to let some patrons in?

18. Cincinnati Bengals: Daniel Bogden, Paul Charlton, Margaret Chiara, H.E. Cummins III, David Iglesias, Carol Lam, John McKay and Kevin Ryan
Maybe the eight federal prosecutors fired by the Justice Department for refusing political orders can clean up the Bengals' multiple problems with the law.

19. Tennessee Titans: Tôru Iwatani, lecturer, Tokyo Polytechnic University
Iwatani designed the original Pac-Man, which debuted in Japan in 1980. He called his creation Puck-Man. Midway, an arcade-game manufacturer which brought the rights, renamed the product Pacman on the assumption that the P would get changed to an F within hours if not minutes of a Puck-Man machine being installed in an American arcade.

20. Jersey/A Giants: Scarlett Johansson, mega-babe
World's most beautiful woman was born in Manhattan and should be an irresistible local-pride choice for the Giants -- if only they were a New York team.

[DTownNative]

21. Denver Broncos: Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis
Former Cleveland Browns not already on the Broncos' roster.

22. Dallas Cowboys: James Arness, U.S. marshal, Dodge City
Wade Phillips has a great Texas name and is a good coach, but he's too mild-mannered for the Cowboys' job, which requires a tough guy.

23. Kansas City Chiefs: Denzel Washington, head coach, T.C. Williams Titans
Herm Edwards barely seemed to be paying attention, let alone showing any emotion, as Kansas City was dismantled by Indianapolis in the postseason. Denzel Washington was a lot more psyched up about an imaginary high school game than Edwards was about an actual NFL playoff game! Note: if you stare at the Chiefs' red logos long enough, will you see green?

24. New England Patriots: Katharine Jefferts Schori, presiding bishop, Episcopal Church
She's getting nowhere healing the rift between the Episcopals and their parent Anglican Communion. Maybe she can heal the rift between the Patriots and the Jets. Note: Schori is an instrument-rated pilot, her daughter is a United States Air Force officer and her husband is a retired topologist.

25. Jersey/B Jets: Phoebe Cates, mega-babe
World's most beautiful brainy woman was born in Manhattan and should be an irresistible local-pride choice for the Jets -- if only they were a New York team.

26. Philadelphia Eagles: Jeremy Bloom, male model
Last April the Eagles used a midround choice on Bloom, though he had not played football in three years. Now that he hasn't played in four years, he must be even more valuable!

27. New Orleans Saints: Poseidon, god of the sea
New Orleans needs to stay on Poseidon's good side. Poseidon was also god of horses, which should bring the Saints luck in their opener against the Colts.

28. New England Patriots: Vera Wang, couturière
Bill Belichick must stop wearing ripped-sleeve hoodies on the sidelines. Maybe if Wang designed a smashing selection of ball gowns and cocktail dresses for him…

29. Baltimore Ravens: Ryan Kalil, center, USC
Possible actual pick thrown in for variety.

30. San Diego Chargers: Amar Bose, inventor of the waveguide speaker
The Chargers will install gigantic loudspeakers on their sidelines and on fourth down scream at their defenders, "Fourth down -- knock it down!"

31. Chicago Bears: Joe b*****di, Expert Senior Forecaster, Accuweather
b*****di, who sells private weather forecasts to corporate clients -- only in America! -- claims to possess "astonishing ability to grasp the potential impact of severe weather patterns." Using his astonishing ability, he could have told the Bears to run the ball in the rain at the Super Bowl! Note: Expert Senior Forecaster is his actual title.

32. Indianapolis Colts: Danny Manning, assistant coach, University of Kansas men's basketball
As a precaution, Bill Polian hopes to lock up rights to athletes named Manning.

[D3N7ER 8r0I\I<05]

heh

_________________

[str8jacket]

For some odd reason I didnt laugh at all during that Mock.

Anyone else experience this?

[DTownNative]

For some odd reason I didnt laugh at all during that Mock.

Anyone else experience this?

You must be angry because you drove to work in a convertible today...or that you hate your job and laugh only once everyother day...

[hardcorebronco]

I chuckled once or twice...


The other funny mock posted earlier by whoever was much funnier.

[Charlie Brown]

21. Denver Broncos: Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis
Former Cleveland Browns not already on the Broncos' roster.

The person that wrote this article clearly has no respect whatsoever about him and does not have a good head on his shoulders.

The Browns that Denver has signed in recent years are Butch Davis' castoffs. Do you all understand that?! Butch Davis castoffs!! Butch Davis castoffs!!!

The above are not Butch Davis castoffs. They are players proud to have been Browns and I am proud to call a Brown. Pioneers of the NFL. Gerard Warren, Mike Myers, Courtney Brown, Alvin McKinley and god knows who else are not pioneers of football. Considering them in the same breadth as the above is a complete disrespect to these fine individuals.

[dman444]

The person that wrote this article clearly has no respect whatsoever about him and does not have a good head on his shoulders.

The Browns that Denver has signed in recent years are Butch Davis' castoffs. Do you all understand that?! Butch Davis castoffs!! Butch Davis castoffs!!!

The above are not Butch Davis castoffs. They are players proud to have been Browns and I am proud to call a Brown. Pioneers of the NFL. Gerard Warren, Mike Myers, Courtney Brown, Alvin McKinley and god knows who else are not pioneers of football. Considering them in the same breadth as the above is a complete disrespect to these fine individuals.

Dude it's a joke, why do you always get so offended if someone mentions something about the Browns you don't like? calm down man.

[DTownNative]

Dude it's a joke, why do you always get so offended if someone mentions something about the Browns you don't like? calm down man.

haha... I agree! you know there are 31 other teams on there... It's obviously for amusement... you do need to calm down brown lover.

[aberdien]

For some odd reason I didnt laugh at all during that Mock.

Anyone else experience this?

experienced...

[Charlie Brown]

Dude it's a joke, why do you always get so offended if someone mentions something about the Browns you don't like? calm down man.

You call that a joke?

Poking fun at fine individuals.

Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis - all of these individuals are 1000 times the men that your team has.

Marion Motley and Bill Willis - the first two African Americans to ever play football in the NFL. Jim Brown, the greatest running back of all time. Otto Graham whose feats as a QB will never be duplicated. No, that is an immense disrespect towards them. Saying that they are the only players that Denver doesn't have from the Browns?! Give me a break. The writer has a poor head on his shoulders and clearly can't tell a joke. Completely ridiculous post. Had they said Orpheus Roye then yea, it would be accurate as he is the only lineman on the Browns you do not have from the Butch Davis era. But to have the audacity to take a swipe at Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis is just low.

[Prodigal19]

The person that wrote this article clearly has no respect whatsoever about him and does not have a good head on his shoulders.

The Browns that Denver has signed in recent years are Butch Davis' castoffs. Do you all understand that?! Butch Davis castoffs!! Butch Davis castoffs!!!

The above are not Butch Davis castoffs. They are players proud to have been Browns and I am proud to call a Brown. Pioneers of the NFL. Gerard Warren, Mike Myers, Courtney Brown, Alvin McKinley and god knows who else are not pioneers of football. Considering them in the same breadth as the above is a complete disrespect to these fine individuals.

too bad a sense of humor isnt something that you can buy.

[dare2bme]

You call that a joke?

Poking fun at fine individuals.

Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis - all of these individuals are 1000 times the men that your team has.

Marion Motley and Bill Willis - the first two African Americans to ever play football in the NFL. Jim Brown, the greatest running back of all time. Otto Graham whose feats as a QB will never be duplicated. No, that is an immense disrespect towards them. Saying that they are the only players that Denver doesn't have from the Browns?! Give me a break. The writer has a poor head on his shoulders and clearly can't tell a joke. Completely ridiculous post. Had they said Orpheus Roye then yea, it would be accurate as he is the only lineman on the Browns you do not have from the Butch Davis era. But to have the audacity to take a swipe at Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis is just low.

Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths...

No insults were thrown in that post. I'll admit that it wasn't even a little bit funny, but it wasn't insulting either. Nothing in it was ABOUT any of those players. You may have that burnt orange impeding your judgement at the moment... Simmer...

I promise that we won't actually SIGN any of those old Cleveland Browns players.

[evendelae]

You call that a joke?

Poking fun at fine individuals.

Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis - all of these individuals are 1000 times the men that your team has.

Marion Motley and Bill Willis - the first two African Americans to ever play football in the NFL. Jim Brown, the greatest running back of all time. Otto Graham whose feats as a QB will never be duplicated. No, that is an immense disrespect towards them. Saying that they are the only players that Denver doesn't have from the Browns?! Give me a break. The writer has a poor head on his shoulders and clearly can't tell a joke. Completely ridiculous post. Had they said Orpheus Roye then yea, it would be accurate as he is the only lineman on the Browns you do not have from the Butch Davis era. But to have the audacity to take a swipe at Jim Brown, Len Ford, Frank Gatski, Otto Graham, Lou Groza, Gene Hickerson, Leroy Kelly, Dante Lavelli, Mike McCormack, Marion Motley, Ozzie Newsome, Paul Warfield and Bill Willis is just low.

Honey, that wasn't a swipe at those players, that was a swipe at the Broncos FO.

It's unfortunate you have to overreact to absolutely everything said about the Browns. It really makes the forum as much less fun place to post.

And you have absolutely no idea that these men are any better people than the Broncos. Don't say it, you don't know them. You're a total tool for saying that. And even though these players were great, where's the Lombardi to back it up? Charlie, for my sanity, just SHUT UP! I don't care if this gets me banned.