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  1. #1
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    I need relationship help. In a bad place right now

    I posted a few days ago that I was going to propose to my gf of 4 years in a few weeks. Some of you were kind enough to look at the rings and give me your advice.

    She is from Zimbabwe but lives here now, England (has for 5 years). She went back to Zim for 2 weeks over xmas.

    She came back Monday and told me over the phone that it wasn't working out and she wanted to finish it. She then phoned me again that night to say she wanted us to work it out.

    I found out a few hours ago that she met an old friend in Zim who proposed to her and she said yes. They messaged each other for a few weeks previous and on Monday she said she was looking forwards to their future.

    I phoned her up and she said it was a mistake and she had not been happy for a few months and just rushed into this Zim thing in the heat of the moment. She said on Monday she was so depressed about us breaking up she realized how much she loved me and wanted us to have a future and not to be with this other person.

    She is with her family in another part of the country but I am seeing her to talk tomorrow.

    I know I took her for granted and accept some of the blame, and I know they didn't sleep together because they were with family and I know there religious views do not allow it before marriage.

    I don't know what to do. I want to fight for her and she seems really sorry but how do I know she really wants me and not this other person.

    sorry if it didn't make sense. sort of numb right now. it is so out of character for her.

  2. #2
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    I don't have any advice for you man... I haven't been in that situation, but when I saw your name attached to this thread from the front page, I was really hoping you were just responding to it... I hope you're able to figure things out with her... Let me know if there's anything I can do for ya
    *** God Bless Our Military Men And Women***

    Adopted Bronco 2015 CJ Anderson

  3. #3
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    Mar 2010
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    Well, looking at your situation from an outsiders point of view with no real insight to your relationship, I see a lot of strikes. First of all, I really don't like how she broke up your relationship over the phone. That shows a lack of maturity to me, especially because it was a four year relationship. Secondly it sounds to me like you two are in different places in your lives. You are looking at engagement rings and she is thinking about old boyfriends. It doesn't seem like she is ready to be married. On the other hand, a lot of people do stupid things on vacation and you say this is out of her character so I guess that's good. Still, I would advise you to either end it, or proceed with extreme caution.
    I might be too harsh on cheating, but I spent 4 years of my life with the same guy, and I let him cheat on me 3 times before I finally ended it. It was a miserable relationship and I regret letting myself get treated that way for so long (plus he didn't even like football or basketball).
    Like I said earlier, I don't know you or her so I can't really offer you very good advice, but just looking at the situation you described makes me think that you deserve way better than that. Good luck with figuring things out.

  4. #4
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    You need to take your time on this - for her, she really needs to figure out exactly what it is that she wants. It seems evident that she's not really sure of that, and her rash decision to accept this other guy's proposal sort of seems like it came out of desperation/feeling trapped. Not saying that it's you trapping her - but there may be other factors at work (for example, what are her own family's expectations?)

    It's a delicate situation, and I think you need to gather more information about what's going on with her. Be patient and try to keep calm. I know this is a pretty unfortunate (understatement) situation for you to be in, and I know it's not pleasant in the slightest. However, it seems that she really needs support one way or another - I can imagine she's under a lot of stress (hence acting out of character),nd the most you can do let things develop slowly and not to make any decisions without having a clearer picture of the situation.

    I hope everything works out mate, stay strong.


    Elvon Millervil eat grues for breakfast.

    Pey-Pey to Bey-Bey for the Tey-Dey.

  5. #5
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    Can't say for certain because I don't know the people/situation.

    But personally I can't trust a cheat. They may not have slept together but she told him she wanted back with him... I'm really sorry man. I've yet to be cheated on however I know how it feels to get left for another guy. Sucks.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by bronx_2003 View Post
    I posted a few days ago that I was going to propose to my gf of 4 years in a few weeks. Some of you were kind enough to look at the rings and give me your advice.

    She is from Zimbabwe but lives here now, England (has for 5 years). She went back to Zim for 2 weeks over xmas.

    She came back Monday and told me over the phone that it wasn't working out and she wanted to finish it. She then phoned me again that night to say she wanted us to work it out.

    I found out a few hours ago that she met an old friend in Zim who proposed to her and she said yes. They messaged each other for a few weeks previous and on Monday she said she was looking forwards to their future.

    I phoned her up and she said it was a mistake and she had not been happy for a few months and just rushed into this Zim thing in the heat of the moment. She said on Monday she was so depressed about us breaking up she realized how much she loved me and wanted us to have a future and not to be with this other person.

    She is with her family in another part of the country but I am seeing her to talk tomorrow.

    I know I took her for granted and accept some of the blame, and I know they didn't sleep together because they were with family and I know there religious views do not allow it before marriage.

    I don't know what to do. I want to fight for her and she seems really sorry but how do I know she really wants me and not this other person.

    sorry if it didn't make sense. sort of numb right now. it is so out of character for her.
    im so sorry to hear that man but im not going to sugar coat it for you

    i was in a similar situation you can never be certain that they "didnt" sleep together she was very far away long distance relationship never work my man i know its hard scratch that i know it is the most heart numbing depressing thing any person can ever go through but like a very cliche saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side" i thought i would never get over this person since we had been together for 6 years but i eventually did

    i found someone way better theres always some one better my friend the reason why she feels bad is because they did sleep together regardless of religious views im sorry i dont want to be blunt but save yourself some hard ache and cut it off i tried fighting for my ex woman and well it didnt work out and i was left with a shattered heart had i just cut my losses then and there it woulda been better

    unfortunately even if things work out the other guy will always be looming around like a damn gnat at a barbecue now dont get me wrong im just speaking from experience do what you want but i just hate to see a fellow brother go through hell for some dame who didnt even have the guts to brake up with you in person instead it was the over the phone

    take what you want but cut your losses my friend theres always some better hope things get better for you guy

  7. #7
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    There's more than one way to cheat than by just sleeping with someone.

    The fact that she was even thinking about marriage with another guy and even said yes should put a big warning sign up saying something isn't right.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by xX-Bronco-Xx View Post
    There's more than one way to cheat than by just sleeping with someone.

    The fact that she was even thinking about marriage with another guy and even said yes should put a big warning sign up saying something isn't right.
    I agree 100%. I personally think it's WORSE to emotionally cheat than physically, but what do I know. This lady sounds really confused, I suppose it just depends on your willingness to A. put up with this kind of behavior, and B. stick it out with her. If you're shopping for rings obviously it goes much much deeper than any surface reply can help, and obviously I know nothing about your situation, but from a womans perspective, she doesn't put in the same amount of love that you do, and that's a recipe for disaster, whether it be this week or next year, she's unstable with you, and at the very least i'd hold off on the proposal. But i'm sorry you're going through this That's the only advice I can really give because I don't want to say anything offensive
    I lost my pencil privileges again

  9. #9
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    Sorry to hear. But now is the time, to take some time.

    It bothers me that you are convinced that you have a solid future together, based on your decision to propose, and yet she seems very confused. The fact that she said she would marry this other person is really disappointing. And yes, the way she tried to break things off with you was disrespectful. Based on these things alone, you need to take a big step back, and grasp the bigger picture. Do you have confidence in your future with her, and can you accept what she has done....forever. This may not sink in completely for some time, therefore I suggest you slow the process down, and fully determine if you are right for each other. In fact, at this point, many folks would have said goodbye, because being cheated upon (which she has done to you) is often a deal breaker.

    Like others have said......I am basing this on little real knowledge, so all things must be weighed accordingly.

    Anyway, if you really still care for her, I suggest you not pursue your engagement until you and her have cleared some hurdles. Never rush into things like this. This is a lifelong decision, and as long as you are still a couple in terms of only seeing one another, you have plenty of time to make this right......if that's how this should be. This is not about sealing the outcome first. It's only about making sure you are the right partnership for a long life together. And in this case, she can never have mixed feelings again, or in this case, leave you wondering about her commitment.

    I've been married over 30 years, but I did not write the book on this topic.......I don't know that anyone quite knows every inch of the way. But many of us will tell you that you need a very strong foundation before you commit to marriage, because there will be many tests in the journey. You have to start strong, and you have to be in this thing together, because there will be times (I'm pretty sure) that you will have to draw strength from all your resources to deal with things you never anticipated. But in the end, it's all worth it if you start strong, and be prepared to work at it until the last day of your life.

    So please try to work it out, but take your time, and make sure she has no signs of disloyalty or confusion. Get back to dating, and being yourselves. Forget about the ring for a while. It's not important right now. Give it time. And if you see any other signs that concern you, or if you begin to challenge what she has done to you, it may not be the right pairing for you.......but as most of us know, there is definitely a good chance that someone else is out there, wanting to spend their life with you.

    Good luck my friend!

    Feel free to seek further advice. And as I often say, try not to get too many opinions, especially based on limited information. I would narrow that down to a few folks that you feel understand the situation, and have solid feedback at every turn.
    Last edited by CanDB; 01-02-2013 at 09:50 AM.

  10. #10
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    If you can't trust the person, it's a deal breaker (to me) and I'm not much for checking messages, stalking and other crazy stuff. That's unfair to her and it's unfair to you as, ultimately, it's going to mess you up as well. I would break it off immediately and not look back.

    "It is so out of character for her" should tell you all you need to know.

    BUT like others have said, you need to think this through and do what feels right. As Dave pointed out, the ring should have no bearing on your decision.

    Understand this. Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there's no reason to continue. Again, think it through carefully and don't lie to yourself in the process. Don't make excuses. Be honest and deal with the truth.
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  11. #11
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    I dunno... if you guys have been together for 4 years, maybe she was just really itching for a ring and felt like it wasn't going to come and was all fired up on emotion. I know my buddy's girl is like that. He doesn't know, but she told me that if he buys a car instead of proposing, she was going to end it... even though he is the love of her life. They have been together for 5 years.

    Bio clock is ticking, she obviously wants to settle down and get married. All of this is really dependent on the conversations you guys have had. If you haven't spoken in-depth about marriage, etc... maybe she didn't know it was coming. Dunno man. You are the only one in that relationship. Crazier stuff has happened.

    My sister and her husband broke up after being together for 4 years. They went elsewhere. They slept with other people, fought horribly, etc. Then... they both kind of arrived at a decision that they wanted to get back together and have a healthy relationship. They both somehow arrived at that conclusion at the same time and were in the same place. They are now happily married and their relationship is 1000x better than what it was before. Sometimes hard things like this are a blessing, as they can prepare you for the future. It is how you both respond to this situation that defines your relationship. No relationship is perfect. It is always tough.

    In the end... the decision is yours. I agree with most everyone, think long and hard about it. What is best for you and for her. You are the only person with the memories, experiences, inside-knowledge. Good luck!

  12. #12
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    I am a big believer in the idea of having a Soul Mate. My wife and I have gone through many trials and tribulations, but we always knew what we were to each other, and through circumstances, were forced to improve our communication skills (since I was in the military and she was 2000 miles away).

    Through it all, there was never any inkling that there could ever be any kind of unfaithfulness on either of our parts, because we had complete trust and communication about our feelings toward each other. We knew everything about each other, and learned even more about ourselves through one another. We were Soul Mates, and never at any time has either of us thought about straying, or about any previous relationships. We became best friends before we ever had sex, and that just sealed things for us (making the physical connection as well as the mental one).

    If your girl goes back to Zimbabwe and within two weeks decides she wants to marry an old flame (even if it's just an impulse) and end things with you, then come back and tell her how confused she was, doesn't bode well for the long term. You (and she) will always be wondering "what if" when it comes to each other and past relationships. The trust will not (and can not) be complete now going forward, and there will always be something different.

    I'm sorry man, but I don't think she's your Soul Mate, and I think this could all be a blessing in disguise, because you can now have another chance at finding her.

    Good luck, my friend!
    Lifetime Broncos/Cowboys fan.

  13. #13
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    Thanks for all your help. I need to think about the way forward.

    There's a lot of good people on these boards, appreciate all the time you took to respond.

    Go and give your partner a call, or a hug and tell them how much you love them. In a long term relationship its easy to take people for granted, but imagine how you would feel if they walked away tomorrow, however unlikely it seems.
    Last edited by bronx_2003; 01-02-2013 at 11:34 PM.

  14. #14
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    I dont want to offend here cuz you where going to prupose, but if you where wit here for 4 years and she just magically falls in love over 2 weeks away, i call crazy lady syndrom and you dodged a bullet.


    Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

  15. #15
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    If I read what you wrote correctly I wouldn't even think about getting back with her. Then again.. I'm a total psycho once I don't trust a girl which makes it impossible to stay with them... With my girl I'm fine because I trust her and she's never done anything to make me question her, but in the past if a girl had done something that was very questionable I'd just get too over bearing and it wouldn't be worth it to either of us.

    Anyway... I will say good luck on whatever you choose, and hope that either way you decide you'll be happy.

    2013 Adopted Bronco - Duke Ihenacho

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