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Thread: jokes!!!!!!!!

  1. #1
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    jokes!!!!!!!!

    tell us all your best jokes..............

    one day 2 men were on a golf course and one man was just about to chip onto the green when they see a funeral procession being led in the distance. the man stops mid swing, takes his hat off and bows his head in respect. the other man says -

    'that was the most respectful thing i have ever seen you do, you truly are a kind man'

    to which he replies

    'well, we were married for 35 years'

  2. #2
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    A middle aged man sat crying in the kitchen late one night. His wife awoke and heard weeping, and went down to the kitchen to see what the problem was, there she saw her husband with his face buried in his hands.

    "What's wrong?" the wife asked.

    "Oh, I was just doing some thinking," the man said quietly.

    "About what?"

    The man replied, "Well, you remember 20 years ago, you and I were fooling around in your father's barn?"

    The wife answered, "Why, yes, it was so exhilarating."

    The man continued, "And you remember when your father caught us and told me that I either had to marry you or he would see to it that I spent my next 20 years in jail?"

    The wife replied, "Yes, but why are you crying?"

    "Because," the man answered, "I would have gotten out today."
    Last edited by Big Buck 1981; 07-20-2005 at 02:09 PM.

  3. #3
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    Daddy Calling

    ((((RING))))

    *Pick Up*

    "Hello?"

    "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

    *brief pause*

    "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "

    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

    *brief pause*

    "Uh, okay then . . . this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
    the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
    Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute"

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "I did it, Daddy"

    "And what happened, honey?"

    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
    dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared, and
    he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
    he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
    the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

    *Long Pause*

    *Longer Pause*

    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . . Is this 486-5731??"

    -----

  4. #4
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    Widdle Wabbit

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the
    sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so
    that he's on her level and asks,

    "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
    wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
    knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

    -----

  5. #5
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    LMFAO!!!! Topscribe, yours were truly the best.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by topscribe
    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the
    sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

    "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so
    that he's on her level and asks,

    "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack
    wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
    knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

    -----
    LMFAO

    nice one man
    [IMG]http://img183.exs.cx/img183/310/wilson56bell26sigpic2jo.jpg[/IMG]


    [IMG]http://img279.imageshack.us/img279/9651/wilson56bell26sig26mu.jpg[/IMG]

    much thanks to snk16 for the awesome sigs

    today that respect is being forgotten because of the modern stuff....we forget that we are all human beings--Arapaho

  7. #7
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    Darwin Awards

    -----

    I understand these are true stories.


    Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.



    Darwin Award Winners:

    1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.

    The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

    And . . .


    *drum roll*

    A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    -----

  8. #8
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    Another fine Darwin winner.

    (12 February 2003) Three men wielding knives tried to rob a slaughterhouse. But when it comes to hand to hand combat with sharp blades, butchers working in a slaughterhouse are more than a match for your average thief. They stabbed two of the intruders to death. The third man escaped from the angry butchers and fled in his car.
    Police soon spotted him, and after a brief car chase, the would-be thief pulled over and leapt from his vehicle. But instead of fleeing into the underbrush, he tried to dodge heavy traffic and escape across the highway. Perhaps he thought that threatening butchers with knives was not a sufficient demonstration of his intelligence.

    Within seconds, the natural justice system meted out his punishment in the form of a large truck, which struck and killed him.

  9. #9
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    Talking lol!!

    Good addition! lol

    -----

  10. #10
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    MORE Darwinian fun.

    (January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year's holiday.

    ---------------

    8 September 2002, Italy) "Hey watch this!" A 53-year-old Glasgow man, attempting what police describe as a bizarre stunt, attached a climber's snap hook to an unused overhead tram cable and attempted to manually ride down the mountain. But the mountain was steep, gravity was constant, and he was unable to moderate his rate of descent. He accelerated out of control, and within seconds crashed against the rocks, and proceeded to bash his way 200 meters down the slope before impacting a pylon. Reports state that several people attempted to stop him from riding down the cable. He should have listened to their advice. When he came to rest, he was DOA.

    ------------------

    (15 February 2002, Russia) A 26-year-old man tried to enter a bar in Tomilino, near Moscow, carrying a concealed gun. He was stopped by an alert security guard, whereupon the man menaced the guard with the weapon. The guard kicked it out of his hands, and the gun fell onto a billiards table.
    The security guard asked the players to pass the gun over to him. One of them, our Darwin Award nominee, thought the best way to accomplish this task was to pick it up with his pool cue. The gun slid down the cue stick, and its increasing thickness was sufficient to push the trigger and shoot the 19-year-old in the chest. He died immediately.

    The owner of the gun said he had intended to surrender the gun to the police that day, and went to the bar in order to summon courage from alcoholic libations.

  11. #11
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    --- saw this on a bumper sticker while i was driving back from Tucson today ---

    --- " Annoy a Liberal ---
    --- Work - Succeed - Be Happy " --- --- az

    May God Bless all the men and women of our Armed Forces, past and present
    The Only Thing Necessary For The Triumph Of Evil Is For Good Men To Do Nothing.
    http://www.navyjack.info/history.html

    My Adopted Bronco is #95 Derek Wolfe.

  12. #12
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    Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time

    Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day
    sig by Vulcan thanx buddy

    1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given

  13. #13
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    A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

    "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

    "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

    "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

    "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

    "He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'
    sig by Vulcan thanx buddy

    1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given

  14. #14
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    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

    After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

    When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
    sig by Vulcan thanx buddy

    1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given

  15. #15
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    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
    sig by Vulcan thanx buddy

    1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given

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